Autism

 "He doesn't look autistic to me" "No, your son is not autistic. He looks nothing like my son and I would be able to spot autism and your son definitely does not have it"

Many of you know my son. He's a weirdo who has to do everything, and I mean everything. Last year he was in a club every single day and some days he had 2 clubs. He got all A's all year long, and he is usually the first one to jump up when we point out something needs done. He is doing sports this year and jazz band and God knows what else he decides to do! He is also the biggest sweetheart and definitely one we watch to make sure he isn't being taken advantage of. He is also autistic and has adhd. My son makes my life interesting and different compared to his sisters! Let's take a look on how we got here today.

When J was younger, I had noticed some things about him that were different. Not bad at all, just different. They way he used his hands, the way he would freak out (sometimes playfully but still a freak out), the way he would eat his food. I had a very hyper wild child who we eventually got diagnosed with adhd but this was beyond that. He wouldn't eat certain foods, he use to chew his food and then spit it out. He was done. He wouldn't actually eat what he chewed up though. He hated tags on his shirts. Hated them. Constantly would say they hurt his skin. He wouldn't wear some of his pants because he didn't like how they felt. Same with some of his shirts. He hated it if his socks didn't sit on his feet properly. He didn't like it if I changed things up. For example, I would say we are going to Walmart and getting these 6 items. If I deviated from that list in any way (add something or not get something), it would bug him and he would respond with but you said and repeat the items I was getting. He did the same thing with where we were going. I finally stopped telling him because it would upset him. He was a very particular kid in every aspect of his life. When he was 7, he had a nose snort that started when he got sick and continued long after he was fine. It only went away because his tonsils and adenoids were removed. What really got me was when he developed the lip licking tic. It started when he was walking to school in the cold and his lips were chapped and it continued on from there. 2 years we dealt with his lips hurting him and being super red and sometimes having a sore on them. It wasn't until he met with a behavioral counselor that we finally got the autism diagnosis and got him to stop licking his lips. 

Before we moved from Vancouver, I was friends with a gal at our church who had an autistic son. I would watch him and how he interreacted with those around him and while it wasn't blatantly obvious, you could tell there was something different about him. I had mentioned my concerns over my son and was told by this friend that my son was not autistic. That he was nothing like her son was at his age (her son was a teenager by this point) and that my son is just being a boy. Those comments made me never pursue it. And I wish I had because just maybe, he wouldn't have dealt with the lip stuff if I had! Instead I chalked up his differences to him just having differences and left it at that. Then we moved to TC and got a new dr and the lip thing happened and then we ended up with his counselor that we had. We absolutely LOVED his counselor. Not only did he confirm what I already knew, but he worked with J on his emotions (he is very sensitive) and helped him stop licking his lips. It was amazing! Sadly we outgrew him and moved on. It felt good to have confirmation of what I already knew. Now we get the comments of 'oh he doens't look autistic at all!'. Almost like they don't believe me. They don't know him or his little oddities. I do and I know my son is. And there is nothing wrong with it. Just means he does things differently or thinks differently. And it means that if we need the extra help in school for him, we have it. We haven't needed it because J does really well in school!

Currently our biggest struggle is his tics. He switches from one tic to another and sometimes does multiples! We know about tics already as his sister has tourettes and we've learned a lot from her experience but they are different than J's. His come and go and they change. I actually didn't know autistic people could get tics till I talked to a girlfriend who has autism and started showing signs of tics around me. First he had the nose snort, than lip licking. Now he has 4 at once. He lifts his head like he's getting a drink, he brushes his nose like he has an ich, he moves his mouth to the side while crossing his eyes. This one prompted us to look into stopping them somehow. Poor J said the crossing of his eyes hurts him and he wants it to stop. He definitely struggled with it. So now he gets to try the meds his sister takes and see if it will help alleviate the tic. He honestly doesn't care about them and his friends and peers and teachers haven't really noticed them. He just is tired of the ones that hurt him! So, fingers crossed it works for him! 

I'm very careful in how I talk about autism. I never want people to think I see it as a problem or an issue. I never want someone to ask me how to 'fix' J. He doesn't need fixed. He has little quirks that make him different but nothing that needs 'fixed'. He doesn't need meds (except for the tics and only cause it hurts). He doesn't need changed. He needs to be accepted for who he is. A growing boy with a few quirks. 

Differences

 Today I am 37 weeks pregnant. And boy have things been different this time around. Being older, I am definitely reflecting more on where I am in my life and what is different this pregnancy. So much is different both in the pregnancy and in my life. For instance, this pregnancy , I have low iron and gestational diabetes. I was nauseous for about 18 weeks which lead to food aversions that never went away. I also can't do milk. The amount of heartburn I have could probably put hair on 5 babies with how bad it is! I can't breathe through my nose and the aches and pains I have definitely remind me I am not 10 years younger! On top of that, because of my age and the GD, I've had WAY more scans. By the time this baby comes I will have had 10 varying kinds of u/s! I'm use to having 2. That's it! However, I have enjoyed being able to see baby girl more often! Oh, and we can't forget baby girl's movements. Oh my Lord this girl can move!! And sometimes her movements are so strong they hurt! But it's good to know she is a strong and healthy baby! Hopefully she listens and stays put till her c-section date! 

And then there are differences in my personal life. When I had my first 2 kids, I had already been living in the town we were in for like a year and we had friends, my ex had a good job, and we just bought our house. We were well established in a church and lived an hr away from my mom and bff. Our church and friends put on baby showers for us and set up a meal train and basically took good care of us. My mom stayed with us for like a week or 2 and helped out as she could. My ex inlaws came for a weekend visit and my bff for a day visit.

 With my 3rd baby, we had just moved to a new town. We had only been there a month and a half and the one person we knew well had moved away a couple weeks before my kid was born. We had an acquaintance in town who helped my ex get his job at HP but we were no way close enough to have them watch our kids when baby came. We had it set up that my mom would come down the night before my c-section and stay with the kids. She lived 3 hours away. My kid had other plans and came 2 days early and the acquaintances ended up watching our kids thanks to the friend who called them to help, so my ex could join me. We had no meal train, no friends to come over and hang out. No church family (yet). And my mom only stay for the weekend so we only had her for a small amount of time. I don't remember when my ex inlaws visited but they did at some point. And because we had moved, a friend decided to throw a meet the baby shower instead which worked out!

This time around I am married to someone else. I threw my own baby shower. While I go to church, they don't have a clue who I am and the only way they ever will is if I go to a small group which is not happening at this stage in my life. My mom lives 15 mins away instead of 1hr or 3.5hrs and will help out as much as she can. I also have my niece the same distance away as mom who will help as well. Plus I have 3 older kids who are so eager and excited to meet their baby sister and help out with her. I have 2 sets of inlaws now and one will be here when baby is born and the other will come up later. I have a friend community here but no where near like I had before. We are definitely doing more of this on our own and while I will have a support system, it will definitely feel and look different. It's not necessarily a bad thing but definitely a different thing!

I actually love this stage of my life. It's the first time I have truly been happy (even with the struggles we have). I love my husband to death, I love his parents to death (and his sister) and I am so excited to share our little girl with them. I love how welcoming and excited they are for this little one. And I do have some amazing friends who check in occasionally but this will be the first time that my husband and I will have a very different looking support system in place. This baby will be well love and very spoiled (just like her siblings!) and we are so excited to meet her. But I am curious how her birth will look, how recovery will look, and how our new life will look. What changes will we see and what will our support system do and look like? Only time will tell! 2 more weeks till this baby is here! So close! 

And then there were 4 (6 total)!

 If you'd had told me 10 years ago that I would be pregnant with my 4th child at 40 years of age on purpose, I would have laughed in your face and called you dumb! Granted, 10 years ago I never expected my husband to cheat on me, divorce me, treat me and his kids like crap, and then find and marry someone who was 10 times better! Let's pause a minute and get some back story!

When I was pregnant with Evie, my and I knew we were done. No more kids. I mean, it took some serious convincing to even get pregnant with Evie as my ex felt we didn't need more and couldn't afford so we would we? That was his reasoning anyways.. Finally he agreed and Evie was born via c-section. Because of that, I opted to get my tubes tied since I was already on the table open and it was a simple procedure for me. No biggie. Only sucky part about it is you still have your menstral cycle but such is life! Regardless, we were done. Just before Evie turned 3, I found out my ex was cheating on me and had no plans of ending or fixing our marriage and wanted out. He was done and checked out awhile ago so we started the divorce process and our 12 year marriage was done and over by Nov 2016. 

I met Jason in 2017 as a mutual friend set us up to be each other's dates for the friends wedding. We met, got to know each other and decided after the wedding to try and date. Now, he knew I had 3 kids and that I was a packaged deal. During the course of our relationship, we talked about anything and everything and that included kids. I asked him what his stance was on having kids of his own and he didn't want them. Said my 3 would be good enough for him and he didn't need his own. I let him know I was ok with that but that if he wanted his own, it would be a process since my tubes are tied! We moved on in our relationship, I moved back to TC and then in April 2020, we got married at the courthouse. Best wedding ever except that my mom wasn't there at the courthouse thanks to covid! Regardless, our lives were being molded together in the house we decided to buy in Dec 2020. In Sept/Oct 2020, Jason started mentioning how cool it would be to have his own little one. You know, the man who didn't want his own kids! After being a father to my 3 and not hearing the words dad, he realized that was something he wanted. So at my annual check up with my dr, I mentioned wanting to look into IVF and that started us on our path!

At the time, TC did not have a facility to do IVF treatments and the dr I was referred to came to TC from Seattle every couple of months. However, covid hit by this point and all appts were telemed as the dr was not traveling to us. We "met" Dr. Letterie through telemed and talked about what we wanted, what our options were and what had the highest success ratings. I could either have a reversal done and hope that I get pregnant and not need to do IVF or just do the IVF process which had a much higher success rate! However, that meant getting a LOT of money just to even get started and our insurance was most definitely not going to cover it. So we did what testing we could to make sure we were healthy and had no diseases and then did our research on ways to get the money. There are many scholarships (if you are picked) and many loan options. We ended up getting a loan for $15K which was almost what we needed to get our journey started. It took a long time and a lot of waiting and of course, we had to redo the tests because it had been so long but Jase got his job at Amazon in Jan 2022, we got insurance in April 2022 and we were finally able to move forward after redoing the tests and getting all the bloodwork and everything for it.   

The time was finally here! On Sept 26, 2022, we drove in the early hours of the morning to Seattle where they transferred this little beauty inside me. This is what they call a 5 day hatched blastocyst. Did it mean I was pregnant and we were done? Not really. It meant we were well on or way to being pregnant but we need to make sure the pregnancy would be viable! On day 5 past transfer, I took an at home test and it came out positive! On day 9, I had to do bloodwork for Dr. Letterie to make sure HCG numbers were where they should be which they were. I then went in 3 days later and took the blood test again to make sure my numbers were climbing like they should be and they were. We call a call from our clinic telling us it was official and I was pregnant! The next step was to have an ultrasound at 7 weeks to confirm viability and how far along I was and then my dr would sign off on us and send us to my ob. 

Meet baby Edwards at 7 weeks! This little bugger was moving up a storm! Both mom and Jason got to be at the appointment with me to see baby Edwards and see where baby was measuring at and baby was right on track! They gave me an estimated date of June 13th, 2023 which made me about 7 weeks and some change. We were very happy to hear baby was doing well. We got a call from Dr. Letterie's office telling us we were officially released from his care and into the capable hands of my ob. I called my ob and made an appointment with her for 10 weeks and started the process of making sure we have a healthy baby! 

Now this pregnancy is different in SO many ways. First, because of my age, I get to see 2 dr's instead of one. My regular ob and then a maternal fetal medicine (mfm) dr. I don't necessarily need to see mfm but I am at a higher risk with my age and due to this being an IVF baby, there can be complications for the baby as well. So I actually had another u/s at 13 ish weeks with mfm who will do all my u/s. This is 

definitely Jason's child. At this u/s, the tech had to push on my pelvic area harder then usual because baby was so far back and they HAD to get the measurements of baby's neck to make sure it was growing properly. Heart rate was strong and healthy at 163 bpm and was kicking up a storm. The tech tried for like 20 mins to get the measurements and then took a break and had me drink cold water hoping it would encourage the baby to move just enough the tech could get the measurement. Finally did but still took a bit and dear heavens, I never knew an u/s wand could hurt! If only the child knew we needed the measurement and just happened to be in place! Despite it taking forever, we got what we needed and got to see the little nugget! 

I am 22 weeks pregnant and just had our anatomy scan about a week ago but we aren't doing our gender reveal till Feb 18th. The kids are actually going to learn of the gender before and do a big reveal using elephant foam! 

This baby has kept me on my toes with nausea, food aversions (mostly meat-pork and chicken) that still hasn't gone away, lower back pain, sleepless nights, and oh my Lord, the heartburn is ridiculous! Regardless, I am starting to feel baby move inside more and more and can't wait to feel it on the outside. This baby is definitely healthy and doing. We go back on the 23rd to check more measurements and confirm baby is still growing well which means more baby pics for me! 

While my story is not one of infertility, it is one of IVF and I have a new found respect for all those that HAVE to go this route because they tried on their own and nothing worked. These women go through this process over and over and I did it once. Some have multiple medications and shots they have to do and multiple scans and procedures. They go through a lot. I thank God every day we have the ability to even have IVF as an option. Now my husband gets to experience life of his child from the beginning instead of coming in at 4, 6, 8! It will definitely exhaust me starting over but it's 100% worth it for my husband to experience the same joy I have! 

 

Knowing When the Time is Right

 Have you ever made a decision that was so hard but also right? It doesn't make it easier that it was the right decision and almost hurts more. I recently made that decision and I know, 100% it was the right decision but man, it was a hard one. Let me give some background detail.

I worked as a medical biller for 2.5 years. I started in June 2019 and started looking for a new job in Nov 2019 because the environment was so bad. I didn't get a new job till Nov 2021 and finished the billing job officially on Feb e1, 2022. My new job was working for a vet clinic. Fast paced high volume job and I loved every bit of it. I loved most of my coworkers and the environment was amazing. I mean, how can you go wrong with snuggling animals all day long! However, shortly after starting to work at the vet, my kids started to have health issues. My oldest developed ticks that were now worse and what was thought to be temporary, is now looking more permanent and I have no clue what that means in terms of living a normal life. My son has had tummy issues but they have gotten considerably worse to where we are now driving to Spokane more often and only having 1 day a week to do appts is making it take way longer! I finally came to the decision to end my time at the vet and stay home with my kids. That was the plan eventually but that was looking more like summer time, not now. Hardest decision ever but best decision ever. I didn't realize how stressed I was and even my kids have noticed I am happier. It's also allowing me to get my house in order more and train our adorable almost 9 month old puppy! But the best thing about this is it allows me to focus on my kids health which I felt like was spiraling out of control and there was nothing I could do about it since I wasn't home. I have an autistic son with gut issues. I have a hormonal preteen trying to figure out her identity while also dealing with an addiction to her phone and ticks that we hope go away but looking more and more like they will stay. And I don't even know where to begin with that. I have more time to figure it all out. Hopefully we can get more answers and more things in place to better things for my kids! 

Freaking Finally!!

 When my husband of 12 years left me, I was devastated. It completely changed my world. I was a stay at home mom. My 'job' was to take care of my kids and house. I hadn't had a 'real' job since 2007 when I was working to help put my ex through school! 9 years I'd been out of a job. I had to think fast and most my skills, while still up to date (most of them) weren't going to get me a good paying job. I decided to head back to school and get a degree that I could get relatively quick so I could support myself and my kids. I talked to a career specialist and told him my dream jobs were to be an admin, a bartender, and a bank teller. The last 2 aren't really options that would pay decent so I looked at what they had to offer that was 2 years at most and settled on the medical coding and billing degree. I have a lot of medical in my background so it seemed fitting. I finished in the 2 years and then moved to where I currently live now within a couple of weeks. 

I found a job about 2 months later at a small eye clinic. It wasn't my degree but was still medical and I had hoped that I have learned something of value in school to help me out. Turns out I did but that wasn't enough for the manager or eye dr who decided they could have done a better job schooling me then my own school did. Which, they could in the sense that they are suppose to take my schooling one step deeper and teach me the specifics of billing for an eye dr. That isn't the schools job. It's a broad overview of what you will do in the medical billing world. On my first day there I knew I had to get out and immediately starting looking for a new job. When the manager spends more time talking about her personal life and the patients she has dated, you know you are in the wrong job! I worked there for 4 months till I finally started working where I am now and actually utilizing my degree! 

I was finally a medical biller with my own office and it seemed like it was going to be awesome. I had heard stories from the other people in the office that the front office gal was a b*tch but I hadn't experienced that and tried to just be nice and friendly to her. She never responded and then her dog attacked me like 3 times and it went down hill from there. She would say horrible things to my manager and coworkers about me, leave me nasty notes and purposely do things to complicate my job. It was horrible! And it didn't matter what I did to try and compromise or alleviate the situation, she hated me and was going to make sure I knew about it. 5 months after I started working there I started looking for a job. 2 years I looked. Didn't help that covid caused a pandemic making things more interesting for looking for a job as well as being paid pretty good in my position that finding someone to pay the same amount was hard as heck. I applied to many jobs and had many interviews. I was done working for this place. It was sucking the joy out of my work, making me NOT want to go to work. I was depressed and tired of feeling like I was a punching bag. My coworkers were on my side and trying to help back me up and the manager was too but he never did anything to change the situation. When the dr and his wife found out, they too didn't do anything. It was clear things weren't going to change and I needed out og my current job but I just couldn't get another job. And when the vaccine mandate came out, it made it harder to find one but made me more determined as well. 

I applied to so many jobs and had so many interviews. In Oct I applied to a front office position for a vet clinic. I was nervous they wouldn't be able to pay me enough but I was hoping to interview for it regardless. I received an email from the company for an interview and I was stoked! I met the person a week later and left the interview praying I would get it. They were a great company who actually backs up their people, believes in them, provides growth opportunities and wants you to succeed! The guy who interviewed me told me that he had a couple other interviews to do but that he would get back to me in a week. Sweet! I hope he does! 2 weeks went by and he emailed me apologizing that he had not gotten back to me but that they were making some changes but to know that I was still in the running. Sweet! Still a chance! 2 weeks later again, I sent a hey I'm still interested and checking in email to which I got a response on. 

"Thank you so much for your patience! I am so sorry this has taken so long to get figured out. We had some internal adjusting of team members (deciding if they wanted to transfer out of positions, etc.) and we've now got everything figured out. Long story short - if you are still interested and available we'd absolutely love to have you on our team!"

Freaking finally!! Of course I responded with a Yes I am interested still! and met up later the next day to talk logistics. We figured out pay which I was freaking out the most about and they are paying me exactly what I was hoping for! And my start date was the first Monday after Thanksgiving! I gave my two weeks notice to my current employer and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! It's amazing! I am so freaking excited to move on to a new place that believes in their people and will allow me to grow and learn more about admin! Finally, a good job! Thank you Jesus!!

What To Do

 When I was younger, I can remember my parents being very involved in church. My mom played the piano for 3 churches and my dad would play the trombone and both were in choir. My sister and I also did choir and I did drama and worship team. When I got married and moved to WW, we got involved in a church there. My ex did the projector and sound and I was on worship playing piano and singing. We then moved to another area and my ex did the same thing at that church. I was way more involved. I was on worship, helped in kids, and I worked the info booth. I loved it and wouldn't trade it for anything. 

Most churches do have guidelines they ask of their volunteers so that they know they can be counted on. One church you had to be at church at least 2 times a month and serving on another team. Otherwise it as usually that you needed to be able to attend all practices and be available on your Sunday for worship. I was already actively going to church anyways so it was easy to fulfill the requirements. However, none of the requirements have been this severe (don't worry, I'll explain) and I feel it takes away from people who have the heart and the ability to serve but can't because of the extreme requirements, I feel those people are being robbed of an opportunity (me included). Let me explain.

When I was on worship team, regardless of what church I was involved with at the time, I took my responsibilities serious. I was always practicing playing the songs, making sure I got my parts down, and practicing vocally. I would show up for every practice whether I was on the next week or not. If we did events outside of church, I was ready to volunteer or help in some way (like prepare music for it). I did take piano lessons once when I could afford it from one of my worship leaders but then I got divorced and that changed that plan. But it wasn't required. I did it because I wanted to be better and understand music more and learn to play differently. 

With covid finally calming down and my church opening up fully, I decided I wanted to email the worship pastor and ask him if I could get a list of songs or music from him so I could practice the music and be ready to audition (both for piano and vocal) in the fall. The email response I got was that I had to go regularly to church (understandable which is why I said fall since we were gonna be gone a lot this summer), had to sign up for something else (which I don't want to do), had to join a small group (which I can't cause the ones they have that I would go to aren't during evenings), and I HAD to take voice lessons (no ifs, ands, or buts about it). Now before I go further, I have history with the worship pastor. He was at one of my old churches and would always pass on me. I couldn't be a part of the team because I was never good enough, pretty enough, or rich enough. And while he never came out and said that to me, it was obvious by the people allowed on the worship team. For instance, my dad played trombone in the church band for dramas and Christmas services and what not. My dad cheated on my mom and was asked to no longer play in the bad because of it (which I support 100%). However, when 2 of the married people (not to each other) on worship team cheated (with each other), they were not asked to step down and remained in the spotlight in spite of their cheating. This was only a small hint of how the person operated and it broke my heart when I saw he was the pastor at my current church.....

I want to play and sing so bad on the worship team and will more than likely not get that chance now because of the history with the pastor for one and for two, his requirements are financially unattainable for me and there is no wiggle room on it. I even asked if it was offered through the church and there has been no response at all and it's been a month.....I want to play so badly that I even considered playing for a friends church (still am!) that doesn't line up completely with my beliefs or way of worship but would have allowed me to play and sing every single week because they need someone. I chose not to for several reasons, one being it starts at 3pm and another being that musically, we wouldn't work out. But it's been nagging me in the back of my mind. I've even considered going to another church where I could essentially start over but I refuse to uproot my kids when they are FINALLY getting involved in a church and making friends and actually looking forward to going to church. I feel we should stay because they want to stay and have friends there. They aren't a bad church just bigger than I like and easier to slip through the cracks. I only went because of friends (well, use to be anyways) that went there who only go when it makes them look really good (like Christmas and Easter and father's day and mother's day and so on). Now I stay because of my kids. 

So what do I do? Worship team is obviously NOT going to happen and my want/need to play/sing is also NOT going to happen except in the privacy of my own garage! Do we find another church that my kids can get involved in and I can get involved in that is preferably smaller or do I suck it and stay put knowing I won't get to be on worship? This may seem like a simple answer or a silly problem to you but it's not and it's been a huge struggle for me and on my mind constantly. I hate being in this position and honestly, shouldn't have to be. But I am and I honestly do not know what the right decision is. Input and advice is very welcomed!

Moving On

 I had mentioned in an earlier blog that I lost 4 really close friends and my relationship with 2 others changed completely. This isn't new territory for me. I've lost friends in the past and my friendships have changed with many of them but in every single instance I knew what happened. Why I lost them or why our friendship changed. This time I have no clue and I may never know and I am really struggling with it. Of the 4 that I lost, 2 of them blocked me so the only way I can contact them is through text or snail mail. 2 of them are available through all channels but let's be honest, I won't get a straight or honest answer from them. They will blame for all of it and never own up to their part and that is if they responded at all. I want closure on them (plus one of the ones that blocked me) but they aren't the ones that hurt me as much as one of the ones who blocked me. We'll call them T. T was the closet to us in all ways. Geographically and relationally. T was like a sibling to me. We had a closer relationship than the rest of the group. T wasn't just a friend, T was family. We would surprise T with dinner when T worked late or had T come over and hang and watch tv with us. Sit on the back patio and watch the sunset while we ate or drank. T even picked on my kiddos! T was family. Then all this crap went down with the group and when we reached out to T to get specifics (after reaching out to the group and then 2 individuals and getting 0 response), T told us to ask the group. Which we did. And we realized then that T was no longer our friend. I mean, T, along with the others, were no longer responding to our texts or group chats. Not really engaging us at all, T was actually cranky and weird when he came to my party too which was off for him but we didn't know why till over a month later. And to this day, 5 months later, I still have no clue what we said or did that made all our 'friends' turn their backs on us and ignore us and then eventually ending things with us. No one came to us. No one talked to us about anything. No one would tell us a damn thing and now I am expected to move forward and find 'new' friends to hang with without knowing what happened. Trying to figure out how to move forward without closure has been rough. And I was doing really well there for awhile but lately it's been hitting me hard. And it hurts. Don't get me wrong, I have other friends but those friends are the same as everyone else. We have to text first or we never hear from them. Which sadly, is how our group was that we lost. I had to message them first if we wanted to do things, specially with just the girls. And in the 3 years that we were friends, I hung with the girls a handful of times because I texted them for lunch dates and pedis. And T, the one we were closest with? Yeah T never invited us over nor texted us first. But it still hurt. And I want, no I NEED that closure to move forward and I don't think I will ever get it. So I'm trying to decide if I should pursue finding out the why so I can get closure or if I should figure out how to move forward without getting closure.

Sadly, this whole ordeal has been eye opening for me. First off, I am a people person. I love people and always have. I get rejuvenated when I am around people. And second, I learned that I am usually the one doing the work and that was why I had friends. I stopped texting the 2 that our relationship changed and guess what, I haven't heard from them in a couple of months. In fact, I have several girlfriends I am trying to start a girls night with that I can't even get a damn answer from anyone on. I get that I am not popular or skinny or fashionable but dear God, it can't be that hard to say yes I'm available or no sorry busy that night. I apparently only friend people who are incapable of reaching out to me first. And I can either accept this and keep texting people or I can try and find better. I have one friend who will text me first and it's not to send me random things like memes or pics or things like that. It's to ask me how work is, life is, and so on and so forth. We text almost daily now but we both text each other first. We share that. We are both tired of people not texting us first and when we get someone who will finally, we don't mind then! I guess I'm just emotionally tired and emotionally exhausted and emotionally drained. I just want to feel like I am important to someone and that they WANT to be my friend and hang out with me instead of me always making them feel wanted.....This is my struggle lately. I want answers and I want REAL friends (that live in my town), neither of which is happening right now....