I Am Never Enough

 Have you ever felt like you just weren't good enough? It doesn't have to be in relationships either. It can be at your workplace, in your church, school, anywhere! I've felt this way for many years in many aspects of my life! It started with my church actually and eventually moved into my relationships and workplace. Even as a youth who wanted to be involved in church, I still felt like I was never good enough. I really wanted to learn to lead worship, play piano well, be a leader, and essentially learn from someone. Someone who was willing to take the time to teach me and allow me to learn from their experiences. That never happened. Sure I was sometimes singing and playing piano on youth worship but I never got the lead parts. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, rich enough. At least that's how I felt. That eventually moved into choir and drama for the church as well as my leadership positions. It also didn't help that I was super shy for a big chunk too. I noticed that if you were outgoing, good looking, smart, rich, and were amazing at what you did (play, lead, sing) then you were essentially the cream of the crop! We want you and we want you now and we only want you, no one else. It hurt but I eventually realized that I would never be good enough and even though I was trying, it didn't matter. It wasn't till we were in Walla Walla that I was able to break out of my shell even more and was the lead pianist. Still didn't lead vocally but I was playing and I got to sing! Then when we moved to Vancouver and got involved in a church there, I was playing piano, sometimes lead but then got put on 2nd piano and was the one who played the fun sounds and little didlies in songs which was cool but I still wanted to learn to lead. I never lead worship. Never. I even asked to be taught because I wanted to learn so badly and that never happened. Then I got divorced and ended up going to school full time and had to pull away from some of the things I was doing in the church. Worship was the very last thing I pulled away from and that was only because I was forced to. That's another topic in and of itself! However, this church was cool in that they would do these fun songs that weren't necessarily Christian but went with the sermon series! I got to play on 2 of these songs, never sang any of them. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't popular enough. I wasn't enough. This reality hurt but I kept going as if it was nothing and kept trying even though I was constantly reminded by their actions and even their words sometimes that I was never enough and was never going to be enough. Ever. I improved in my skills and learned a lot but I was never given the opportunity to move beyond 2nd best. That was just my church life. That wasn't even my personal! Or my work!

In my current job, I do have those feelings somewhat but that is mostly because I am in a weird situation where it doesn't matter who the owner is, that is not who is in charge and as long as the 2 people in charge still work here, nothing will ever change and the owners will never back me up even though I am right. Oh and the people in charge? Yeah they aren't suppose to be but because no one will stand up to them (except me and I am paying for it!), nothing will change and so here we are.

As for my relationships, this is sadly a common theme and one I am reaching a point where I am not sure I can handle it anymore. I haven't ever felt like I was good enough even to some of my closest friends. I text them, I invite them out, I check in on them specially when I hear something bad happened (sick, lost job, car accident, just cause). I love people and love doing things with people and tend to over love people and so I go above and beyond for them. For instance, you have a baby, I will be the one to make you blanket even though I don't know you well and will coordinate meals for you even if you aren't in the same town as me anymore! I will throw you a last minute birthday party or bachelorette party just because we are friends and no one else stepped up OR because for whatever reason, didn't work out. I will make you dinner and bring it to you just because you had a long day and I wanted it make it better for you. I will bring you coffee just because you are a friend and I want you to smile. I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes but I will be there for you and step up when no one else will. Know what I get in return? No text messages just saying hi (as in they text me first not the other way around), no event invites unless I just happened to text at the right time, sour attitudes or no one showing up at my birthday parties, completely ignored. I am not pretty enough, I am not in the social media world enough (ie: snapchat, tiktok, instagram-stories, facebook-stories), I don't have good jokes or cool ideas, I don't have enough money, I am not cool enough, I am not enough. Do you know how much it hurts to always feel like you are 2nd best? Do you know how much it hurts to pour time and energy into being there for people only to realize they would never invest in you? Do you know how much it hurts to know they hang out together with each other all the time and never invite you out and the only reason they are hanging out again is because you kept inviting one of them to group gatherings all the time? Do you know how much it hurts to realize that most of your relationships have been like that and that no one (except my husband-he's amazing y'all and one friend who has been actively texting me even though we are miles apart) has ever felt you are worth it enough to text or hang with? 

It hurts. It hurts deep and it makes it so I have an inner battle going on inside of me. I want to confront the people hurting me. I want to tell them I am tired of feeling like a 2nd class citizen unworthy of their attention. I want to tell them I am hurt that they will never see me for who I am and truly love me for who I am. I want to tell them but I am terrified to tell them. If I tell them, I may lose my friendship with them. If I tell them, I will have no one to hang with, 2nd class or not. If I tell them, I will look like the person who is whining and being selfish because 'I didn't get invited or get a text". If I tell them, I will truly lose everything and everything I have ever been told over the years will be true. That I am unworthy of their attention because I am not good enough. It's a huge struggle. One I am losing sleep over at night. One I am stressing about and constantly thinking about. I love the people around me. I let them in because I wanted to be their friend. But now, I am seeing that it was only one sided. That I was the only who messaged them. I was the one who invited them out. I was the one who came up with ideas of things we can do. I was the one who wanted this friendship to last and to have lots of fun things to do together. I am the one who poured time and energy into the friendship. I am the one who went above and beyond because I wanted them to be in my life that much. I am the one who tried and now I see it didn't matter. I was never going to the one for them. I'm kinda at a crossroads. I don't know what to do or how to proceed from here. What I do know is that I want someone who WANTS to be my friend. Who WANTS to text me. Who WANTS to hang out with me. Who WANTS me for me and puts just as much time and energy in our friendship as I do. I just want to feel like I am enough.

Unequally Yoked

 In the bible, one of the verses quoted the most to people who want to date an unchristian person is in 2 Cor 6:14 "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?". I grew up in the church and this was ingrained in me. It's not ok to date someone, let alone marry them, if they are not Christian. And preferably, it's best if they are in the same denomination as you but not horrible if they aren't. When I set out at a young age to find my husband, I stuck to everything I was taught. He had to be a virgin, he had to be Christian, preferably of the same beliefs as me. That's when I met my ex. He fit all the criteria and we got along and seemed to do well with each other. Had I know then what I know now, I am not sure I would have jumped so quickly to him. But, sadly, we can not predict the future. My ex, lets call him James, had a good stable job. He was finishing up his bachelors degree and then we were planning to move to another city so he could finish up his masters degree. We lived there for 2 years and then moved back to where we started and then moved again when he finally got a good full time job. We settle in a smaller town, bought a house and had 2 kids there. We lived there for 6 years and then moved to a much bigger city where he had a better job and also had our 3rd kid there. We lived there for 3 years when my ex cheated on me with our married neighbor. I lived there another 2 1/2 years before moving back to where I originally started and still currently live. 

Now let me back up a bit. They tell you to marry a Christian. They tell you how you should act and essentially what it will look like on the outside. I thought I was prepared for the good, the bad, and the ugly! But I was so wrong. What they did not tell you is that sex hurts and you may not like it. They did not tell you that you will have good and bad times and sometimes the bad happens more than the good. They did not tell you that when one or both are unhappy in the marriage, that counseling is not a bad thing and should be looked at as a good thing to allow you both to grow and mend whatever is wrong with your relationship. And they did not tell you that your ex would blame you for all the wrong in your marriage and that it the reason he cheated on you. I was not prepared for the marriage I had and I tried to fix it to no avail. After our 12th anniversary, my husband started cheating on me with the neighbor because she provided him something I could not. We had both grown cold towards each other over the years and I think we were overwhelmed with what was happening in our marriage to know where to start. Needless to say, we ended up divorcing. I'd like to say we were on good terms but that was definitely NOT the case. But that is a story for another day! Point is, we were not prepared. I was not prepared! 

When I got divorced, I pretty much decided I was done. I never wanted a man again. I had been burned and badly. A mutual friend of mine, we will call him Brady, was talking to me still and never really stayed in contact with my ex. They use to work together and then Brady moved away for another job and so we stayed in contact on facebook but that was about it. After the divorce though, he reminded me that this is what god wanted for me and that I need to work on myself first before finding someone else to be with again. And my counselor agreed with him for the most part. So I did that. I took some time to heal and remind myself who I was as a person. Once I was ready, I started to branch out and 'see' what was out there. I have to say that one of the best pieces of advice Brady could give me was to stop putting guys in my little box that I had. Every one does it. It's the I only like this type of person and won't look at anyone else' box. Mine was that he had to be tall, dark hair, blue eyes, handsome and Christian, roughly my age. No facial hair. Ever. EVER. However I wanted to be open to the possibilities of everyone and so I promised my friend I would look out side my box. That's when Brady pointed out (months later) that he had a friend who was single and needed a date for Brady's wedding and since we were both single, we should go together.  He said the friend had seen a pic of me and knew a little about the ex troubles and that I had kids and was willing to go with me. And well, he also had a beard. But Brady told me I didn't have to date him or anything, just talk to him and be his date for Brady's wedding. So I did. And boy am I glad I did. He is now my current husband and he breaks my box completely! 

So, let's call him Elliott, and I started messaging on facebook. We decided we should probably meet in person as well since you know, we are going to be going to a wedding together. He lived back where I started and since I still had family there, I was able to meet him in person. We hit it off well! We became fast friends and we were messaging daily when we could. He was tall, 6ft 3in. Darker hair, gorgeous eyes and smile and a beard. I actually like the beard and he is not allowed to shave it :P But he was also, not a Christian and 10 years younger than me. I did not introduce him to my kids for several months. I wanted to feel it out with him first and kinda see where he was at. He didn't want his own kids which worked for me since my tubes were tied but due to his age, I did say that I would be willing to look into options if he ever decided he wanted kids. He was ok that I had 3 kids and even after meeting them and enjoying time with them, it took him a bit to warm up to the idea of them. Being with me meant being with all of me, 3 kids included! The next couple of years really tested us not just because of the kids but because of the crazy ex who was mean and hateful and enjoyed being an ass to me. Add to that, we lived 3.5 hours apart so we only saw each other every 2 weeks. Sometimes more and sometimes less, but roughly every 2 weeks. the kids and I finally moved back to where are now in Jan 2019 and while things are not perfect, they got 100 times better and the drama with the calmed down significantly. In April of 2020 (in a 'pandemic' y'all!), Elliott and I went to the justice of the peace and we got married. We are by no means perfect at all but we are great together and this marriage is already a 1000 times better than my last one. The amount of communication we have is amazing. Things are going really well for us. We just bought our house, bought a van last summer, was able to do some traveling and have many many plans for our near future that we can't wait to get started on! 

Now, let's go back to the beginning with the verse about being unequally yoked. They say that when 2 people of different beliefs get together that the 'bad' belief will snuff out the 'good' belief and there for the Christian no longer becomes the Christian. That is not true in our relationship. Elliott is not a Christian. He went to church as a kid and after dealing with some personal things in the church, he was not a fan of organized religion. This was a topic between us as I want my kids raised in the church (to a point) and I wanted to go to church still as well, when I was ready. We talked a lot and even had some heated discussions. I was already having my own personal issues with the church and with the people of the church that I wasn't in a hurry to get back into a church yet, (that's a story for another blog!). While Elliott knew this, he also knew I was a social person and was not getting what I needed from him and that I needed to go back to church. So I promised him and the kids we would go back in Jan 2020 (and then a pandemic happened and well, we haven't been back). Even though Elliott doesn't agree with church, he supported me and encouraged me. Even set up my piano for me to play! he isn't 'bringing me to the dark side'. He is respecting that I need and want to be in church and supporting and encouraging me to do so. He doesn't mock me or tell me to stop praying for my kids every night. He doesn't do anything but encourage me in my beliefs. Sadly, he has been better than my 'Christian' husband ever was! And Elliott is perfectly ok with me getting involved (when I can again). I will eventually join the worship team and get involved in small groups, eventually. My ex hated that I was involved and said I was using it as an escape which was not the case at all. But, that's in the past. I am not saying ignore the bible and do your own thing. I am not saying all Christian men are bad and all non Christian men are good and I am not saying the opposite either. I am saying that I personally took a chance on someone who was not in my 'box' of who I thought I wanted and it was the best decision I ever did. I am happier now than I have been in a long time and I am excited to do life with him. Will he join me for church? Maybe on special occasions but probably not. Does it bother me he isn't there? Not really. Church is just a building. God can meet you anywhere. Will he turn back to God? Not a clue. That's between him and God. I will continue to be the loving supportive wife who is always by his side regardless of what belief he chooses to have. I love my husband very much and know he loves me and will support me even if he doesn't agree with my beliefs and that is all I could ever ask for and is more than I got in my last marriage. This wasn't what I had planned for my life but than again, I wasn't planning on getting divorced or remarried and it was the best thing that happened to me.

Moral of this story? Don't dismiss someone, whether dating or friendship, because they don't 'fit' in your box. Stop judging them on the outside. You could be missing out on someone who would be an instrumental part of your life.