I had mentioned in an earlier blog that I lost 4 really close friends and my relationship with 2 others changed completely. This isn't new territory for me. I've lost friends in the past and my friendships have changed with many of them but in every single instance I knew what happened. Why I lost them or why our friendship changed. This time I have no clue and I may never know and I am really struggling with it. Of the 4 that I lost, 2 of them blocked me so the only way I can contact them is through text or snail mail. 2 of them are available through all channels but let's be honest, I won't get a straight or honest answer from them. They will blame for all of it and never own up to their part and that is if they responded at all. I want closure on them (plus one of the ones that blocked me) but they aren't the ones that hurt me as much as one of the ones who blocked me. We'll call them T. T was the closet to us in all ways. Geographically and relationally. T was like a sibling to me. We had a closer relationship than the rest of the group. T wasn't just a friend, T was family. We would surprise T with dinner when T worked late or had T come over and hang and watch tv with us. Sit on the back patio and watch the sunset while we ate or drank. T even picked on my kiddos! T was family. Then all this crap went down with the group and when we reached out to T to get specifics (after reaching out to the group and then 2 individuals and getting 0 response), T told us to ask the group. Which we did. And we realized then that T was no longer our friend. I mean, T, along with the others, were no longer responding to our texts or group chats. Not really engaging us at all, T was actually cranky and weird when he came to my party too which was off for him but we didn't know why till over a month later. And to this day, 5 months later, I still have no clue what we said or did that made all our 'friends' turn their backs on us and ignore us and then eventually ending things with us. No one came to us. No one talked to us about anything. No one would tell us a damn thing and now I am expected to move forward and find 'new' friends to hang with without knowing what happened. Trying to figure out how to move forward without closure has been rough. And I was doing really well there for awhile but lately it's been hitting me hard. And it hurts. Don't get me wrong, I have other friends but those friends are the same as everyone else. We have to text first or we never hear from them. Which sadly, is how our group was that we lost. I had to message them first if we wanted to do things, specially with just the girls. And in the 3 years that we were friends, I hung with the girls a handful of times because I texted them for lunch dates and pedis. And T, the one we were closest with? Yeah T never invited us over nor texted us first. But it still hurt. And I want, no I NEED that closure to move forward and I don't think I will ever get it. So I'm trying to decide if I should pursue finding out the why so I can get closure or if I should figure out how to move forward without getting closure.
Sadly, this whole ordeal has been eye opening for me. First off, I am a people person. I love people and always have. I get rejuvenated when I am around people. And second, I learned that I am usually the one doing the work and that was why I had friends. I stopped texting the 2 that our relationship changed and guess what, I haven't heard from them in a couple of months. In fact, I have several girlfriends I am trying to start a girls night with that I can't even get a damn answer from anyone on. I get that I am not popular or skinny or fashionable but dear God, it can't be that hard to say yes I'm available or no sorry busy that night. I apparently only friend people who are incapable of reaching out to me first. And I can either accept this and keep texting people or I can try and find better. I have one friend who will text me first and it's not to send me random things like memes or pics or things like that. It's to ask me how work is, life is, and so on and so forth. We text almost daily now but we both text each other first. We share that. We are both tired of people not texting us first and when we get someone who will finally, we don't mind then! I guess I'm just emotionally tired and emotionally exhausted and emotionally drained. I just want to feel like I am important to someone and that they WANT to be my friend and hang out with me instead of me always making them feel wanted.....This is my struggle lately. I want answers and I want REAL friends (that live in my town), neither of which is happening right now....
