Freaking Finally!!

 When my husband of 12 years left me, I was devastated. It completely changed my world. I was a stay at home mom. My 'job' was to take care of my kids and house. I hadn't had a 'real' job since 2007 when I was working to help put my ex through school! 9 years I'd been out of a job. I had to think fast and most my skills, while still up to date (most of them) weren't going to get me a good paying job. I decided to head back to school and get a degree that I could get relatively quick so I could support myself and my kids. I talked to a career specialist and told him my dream jobs were to be an admin, a bartender, and a bank teller. The last 2 aren't really options that would pay decent so I looked at what they had to offer that was 2 years at most and settled on the medical coding and billing degree. I have a lot of medical in my background so it seemed fitting. I finished in the 2 years and then moved to where I currently live now within a couple of weeks. 

I found a job about 2 months later at a small eye clinic. It wasn't my degree but was still medical and I had hoped that I have learned something of value in school to help me out. Turns out I did but that wasn't enough for the manager or eye dr who decided they could have done a better job schooling me then my own school did. Which, they could in the sense that they are suppose to take my schooling one step deeper and teach me the specifics of billing for an eye dr. That isn't the schools job. It's a broad overview of what you will do in the medical billing world. On my first day there I knew I had to get out and immediately starting looking for a new job. When the manager spends more time talking about her personal life and the patients she has dated, you know you are in the wrong job! I worked there for 4 months till I finally started working where I am now and actually utilizing my degree! 

I was finally a medical biller with my own office and it seemed like it was going to be awesome. I had heard stories from the other people in the office that the front office gal was a b*tch but I hadn't experienced that and tried to just be nice and friendly to her. She never responded and then her dog attacked me like 3 times and it went down hill from there. She would say horrible things to my manager and coworkers about me, leave me nasty notes and purposely do things to complicate my job. It was horrible! And it didn't matter what I did to try and compromise or alleviate the situation, she hated me and was going to make sure I knew about it. 5 months after I started working there I started looking for a job. 2 years I looked. Didn't help that covid caused a pandemic making things more interesting for looking for a job as well as being paid pretty good in my position that finding someone to pay the same amount was hard as heck. I applied to many jobs and had many interviews. I was done working for this place. It was sucking the joy out of my work, making me NOT want to go to work. I was depressed and tired of feeling like I was a punching bag. My coworkers were on my side and trying to help back me up and the manager was too but he never did anything to change the situation. When the dr and his wife found out, they too didn't do anything. It was clear things weren't going to change and I needed out og my current job but I just couldn't get another job. And when the vaccine mandate came out, it made it harder to find one but made me more determined as well. 

I applied to so many jobs and had so many interviews. In Oct I applied to a front office position for a vet clinic. I was nervous they wouldn't be able to pay me enough but I was hoping to interview for it regardless. I received an email from the company for an interview and I was stoked! I met the person a week later and left the interview praying I would get it. They were a great company who actually backs up their people, believes in them, provides growth opportunities and wants you to succeed! The guy who interviewed me told me that he had a couple other interviews to do but that he would get back to me in a week. Sweet! I hope he does! 2 weeks went by and he emailed me apologizing that he had not gotten back to me but that they were making some changes but to know that I was still in the running. Sweet! Still a chance! 2 weeks later again, I sent a hey I'm still interested and checking in email to which I got a response on. 

"Thank you so much for your patience! I am so sorry this has taken so long to get figured out. We had some internal adjusting of team members (deciding if they wanted to transfer out of positions, etc.) and we've now got everything figured out. Long story short - if you are still interested and available we'd absolutely love to have you on our team!"

Freaking finally!! Of course I responded with a Yes I am interested still! and met up later the next day to talk logistics. We figured out pay which I was freaking out the most about and they are paying me exactly what I was hoping for! And my start date was the first Monday after Thanksgiving! I gave my two weeks notice to my current employer and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! It's amazing! I am so freaking excited to move on to a new place that believes in their people and will allow me to grow and learn more about admin! Finally, a good job! Thank you Jesus!!

What To Do

 When I was younger, I can remember my parents being very involved in church. My mom played the piano for 3 churches and my dad would play the trombone and both were in choir. My sister and I also did choir and I did drama and worship team. When I got married and moved to WW, we got involved in a church there. My ex did the projector and sound and I was on worship playing piano and singing. We then moved to another area and my ex did the same thing at that church. I was way more involved. I was on worship, helped in kids, and I worked the info booth. I loved it and wouldn't trade it for anything. 

Most churches do have guidelines they ask of their volunteers so that they know they can be counted on. One church you had to be at church at least 2 times a month and serving on another team. Otherwise it as usually that you needed to be able to attend all practices and be available on your Sunday for worship. I was already actively going to church anyways so it was easy to fulfill the requirements. However, none of the requirements have been this severe (don't worry, I'll explain) and I feel it takes away from people who have the heart and the ability to serve but can't because of the extreme requirements, I feel those people are being robbed of an opportunity (me included). Let me explain.

When I was on worship team, regardless of what church I was involved with at the time, I took my responsibilities serious. I was always practicing playing the songs, making sure I got my parts down, and practicing vocally. I would show up for every practice whether I was on the next week or not. If we did events outside of church, I was ready to volunteer or help in some way (like prepare music for it). I did take piano lessons once when I could afford it from one of my worship leaders but then I got divorced and that changed that plan. But it wasn't required. I did it because I wanted to be better and understand music more and learn to play differently. 

With covid finally calming down and my church opening up fully, I decided I wanted to email the worship pastor and ask him if I could get a list of songs or music from him so I could practice the music and be ready to audition (both for piano and vocal) in the fall. The email response I got was that I had to go regularly to church (understandable which is why I said fall since we were gonna be gone a lot this summer), had to sign up for something else (which I don't want to do), had to join a small group (which I can't cause the ones they have that I would go to aren't during evenings), and I HAD to take voice lessons (no ifs, ands, or buts about it). Now before I go further, I have history with the worship pastor. He was at one of my old churches and would always pass on me. I couldn't be a part of the team because I was never good enough, pretty enough, or rich enough. And while he never came out and said that to me, it was obvious by the people allowed on the worship team. For instance, my dad played trombone in the church band for dramas and Christmas services and what not. My dad cheated on my mom and was asked to no longer play in the bad because of it (which I support 100%). However, when 2 of the married people (not to each other) on worship team cheated (with each other), they were not asked to step down and remained in the spotlight in spite of their cheating. This was only a small hint of how the person operated and it broke my heart when I saw he was the pastor at my current church.....

I want to play and sing so bad on the worship team and will more than likely not get that chance now because of the history with the pastor for one and for two, his requirements are financially unattainable for me and there is no wiggle room on it. I even asked if it was offered through the church and there has been no response at all and it's been a month.....I want to play so badly that I even considered playing for a friends church (still am!) that doesn't line up completely with my beliefs or way of worship but would have allowed me to play and sing every single week because they need someone. I chose not to for several reasons, one being it starts at 3pm and another being that musically, we wouldn't work out. But it's been nagging me in the back of my mind. I've even considered going to another church where I could essentially start over but I refuse to uproot my kids when they are FINALLY getting involved in a church and making friends and actually looking forward to going to church. I feel we should stay because they want to stay and have friends there. They aren't a bad church just bigger than I like and easier to slip through the cracks. I only went because of friends (well, use to be anyways) that went there who only go when it makes them look really good (like Christmas and Easter and father's day and mother's day and so on). Now I stay because of my kids. 

So what do I do? Worship team is obviously NOT going to happen and my want/need to play/sing is also NOT going to happen except in the privacy of my own garage! Do we find another church that my kids can get involved in and I can get involved in that is preferably smaller or do I suck it and stay put knowing I won't get to be on worship? This may seem like a simple answer or a silly problem to you but it's not and it's been a huge struggle for me and on my mind constantly. I hate being in this position and honestly, shouldn't have to be. But I am and I honestly do not know what the right decision is. Input and advice is very welcomed!

Moving On

 I had mentioned in an earlier blog that I lost 4 really close friends and my relationship with 2 others changed completely. This isn't new territory for me. I've lost friends in the past and my friendships have changed with many of them but in every single instance I knew what happened. Why I lost them or why our friendship changed. This time I have no clue and I may never know and I am really struggling with it. Of the 4 that I lost, 2 of them blocked me so the only way I can contact them is through text or snail mail. 2 of them are available through all channels but let's be honest, I won't get a straight or honest answer from them. They will blame for all of it and never own up to their part and that is if they responded at all. I want closure on them (plus one of the ones that blocked me) but they aren't the ones that hurt me as much as one of the ones who blocked me. We'll call them T. T was the closet to us in all ways. Geographically and relationally. T was like a sibling to me. We had a closer relationship than the rest of the group. T wasn't just a friend, T was family. We would surprise T with dinner when T worked late or had T come over and hang and watch tv with us. Sit on the back patio and watch the sunset while we ate or drank. T even picked on my kiddos! T was family. Then all this crap went down with the group and when we reached out to T to get specifics (after reaching out to the group and then 2 individuals and getting 0 response), T told us to ask the group. Which we did. And we realized then that T was no longer our friend. I mean, T, along with the others, were no longer responding to our texts or group chats. Not really engaging us at all, T was actually cranky and weird when he came to my party too which was off for him but we didn't know why till over a month later. And to this day, 5 months later, I still have no clue what we said or did that made all our 'friends' turn their backs on us and ignore us and then eventually ending things with us. No one came to us. No one talked to us about anything. No one would tell us a damn thing and now I am expected to move forward and find 'new' friends to hang with without knowing what happened. Trying to figure out how to move forward without closure has been rough. And I was doing really well there for awhile but lately it's been hitting me hard. And it hurts. Don't get me wrong, I have other friends but those friends are the same as everyone else. We have to text first or we never hear from them. Which sadly, is how our group was that we lost. I had to message them first if we wanted to do things, specially with just the girls. And in the 3 years that we were friends, I hung with the girls a handful of times because I texted them for lunch dates and pedis. And T, the one we were closest with? Yeah T never invited us over nor texted us first. But it still hurt. And I want, no I NEED that closure to move forward and I don't think I will ever get it. So I'm trying to decide if I should pursue finding out the why so I can get closure or if I should figure out how to move forward without getting closure.

Sadly, this whole ordeal has been eye opening for me. First off, I am a people person. I love people and always have. I get rejuvenated when I am around people. And second, I learned that I am usually the one doing the work and that was why I had friends. I stopped texting the 2 that our relationship changed and guess what, I haven't heard from them in a couple of months. In fact, I have several girlfriends I am trying to start a girls night with that I can't even get a damn answer from anyone on. I get that I am not popular or skinny or fashionable but dear God, it can't be that hard to say yes I'm available or no sorry busy that night. I apparently only friend people who are incapable of reaching out to me first. And I can either accept this and keep texting people or I can try and find better. I have one friend who will text me first and it's not to send me random things like memes or pics or things like that. It's to ask me how work is, life is, and so on and so forth. We text almost daily now but we both text each other first. We share that. We are both tired of people not texting us first and when we get someone who will finally, we don't mind then! I guess I'm just emotionally tired and emotionally exhausted and emotionally drained. I just want to feel like I am important to someone and that they WANT to be my friend and hang out with me instead of me always making them feel wanted.....This is my struggle lately. I want answers and I want REAL friends (that live in my town), neither of which is happening right now....

TV Love is NOT Real!

While at work, I have the luxury of watching tv in my office. It's just me in my little office and I usually watch things I have seen so as not to miss the important stuff on the things I haven't seen! So lately I have been watching One Tree Hill. For those that don't watch it or know nothing about it, it's basically a show about teens and their drama in high school. Of course they manage to fix things for the most part, in the hour long show. You have your cheating scandals, your betraying best friend scandals, parental scandals, to divorce or not to divorce scandals. You name, it probably has it. It's not a bad show. It's entertainment for me. Anyways, I've noticed a trend for TV love stories. They are all the same. And, in my limited experience, not a real representation of what love it. Which is sad as I know many look to the tv lie for what they want out of love. I know I am guilty of it, even now I reflect on it and wonder what it would be like to be 'loved' that way. 

Love on tv is very romanticized. They always have these amazing dates and they will end with rose petals every where and candles lit along the walkway. They have these super passionate kisses and the intense romantic love making that every teen/young adult lady dreams will happen to them. They get married young, some save themselves for marriage and others marry the one they lost their virginity to. They might have some struggles but nothing that they can't over come. Very rarely do they end in divorce and if they do, they remain friends. Nothing is ever too difficult for them to fix and they are always helping each other out. I don't know, maybe for some, they really do get this type of love but it's not what true love is. I don't even think it reflects the honeymoon phase. Sure, you are probably more lovey dovey and you're less likely to fight and more likely to have more sex but I don't like it's as romantic or intense as the tv makes it seem to be. They don't always how the work that goes with being in love with someone. The fact you have to sometimes choose daily to love the person you are with even when you were just fighting. Loving someone is hard work. 

Did you know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Did you know that 41% of first marriages end in divorce? And while I know of like 1 couple that remained friends even after divorce, most couples not only do not remain friends but barely remain on speaking terms! If they are on speaking terms, more then likely they have kids they have to co-parent! I will have been divorced 5 years this Nov. I am just not starting to get on speaking terms with my ex. He is no longer causing drama or saying mean and hateful things. He is actually listening to me and mostly responding in a good way. He is also finally starting to spend more time with his kids which is huge! But we will never reach a point where we will be 'friends' who go to dinner and hang out with our significant others. And our marriage sucked. Don't worry, he'd agree. I think we got married because we didn't want to end up alone. We thought we were mostly like minded, attractive, and christian. Good enough for us. We were marriage 12 years. 12 long years. 12 years of being completely unhappy and miserable. Turns out, we also weren't sexually attracted to each other either! It didn't end well either but that's a story for another time! The point is, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and we spent most of our marriage fighting. Not fighting for each other or fighting for our love. We were fighting with each other about everything. And sadly, that's what our kids remember about us. Sure we had some fun times but those were not the things we remembered sadly. Honestly, the divorce was best for us both and I have never been happier than I am now. Can't say the same for him. Which brings me to my current marriage.

I love my husband more than anything. We dated for almost 3 years before we got married and have now been married just over a year. Things aren't perfect by any means. We fight like normal couples and then we are rough housing an hour later like nothing happened. We communicate, we love, we laugh, we fight, we have fun. We actually have family wrestling matches and have a blast together! This is what a normal good marriage is like. You have your ups and downs but we have way more ups then we do downs. We travel together, we dream together, we make plans together. We talk about everything even when we are on complete opposite sides of line. We are really good together. I have never felt more loved and respected as a wife and mother then I have with my current husband. And while he doesn't say the words 'I love you' all the time, his actions show it daily. No we don't have passionate love making every single time. No we don't have passionate kisses every single time. That isn't reality. What we have is 2 people who will always fight for their love. We choose each other daily and that is how it should always be!

Always Fight For Your Kids!

 As a mother of 3 children, I learned early on that sometimes, you have to step in as the parent and fight for your kids. It doesn't matter what it is either, for the most part, sitting back and doing nothing is not an option. I'm not talking about going overboard. For instance, if your kid didn't get the part in the school play because the other person was just a smidge better or looked like they wanted, try again for the next one. But if your kid didn't get it because the teacher doesn't like them? Yeah, that's a fight. I have always been and will always be that kind of parent. My kids have learned from an early age that sometimes we don't get the things we want and that is ok. And that sometimes, we have been wronged and we need to fight against it. For instance, when my older 2 were on the bus, a little boy who was 'friends' with my son would start punching him. But only on the bus. At school, he didn't touch my son and just acted normal with him. But on the bus he would start punching him. The principle did everything he could think of to stop this kid and was in constant communication with me but it finally resulted me going to the school and talking to them about it and figuring out how to proceed from there. The school stepped in and eventually, the boy wasn't on the bus anymore. I wasn't a 'the bus driver will handle it' kind of person. I couldn't stand seeing my child hurt anymore and I knew the bus driver was trying but it just wasn't enough. And the sad part is that it was only on the way home from school and literally 4 mins from the school. Regardless, I was done and did everything I could to make it stop. I don't care who the person is either. A teacher, a store employee, my kids best friend. You do something wrong, I will make sure you don't do it again or remove my kid from the situation completely. Whatever is best. I know many who are not like this (my sibling is one) and it pains me to see parents not fight for their children. If you kid is behind in school, find a way to get them caught up. Your kid doesn't understand? Find a way to help them. Your kid needs a little extra TLC? Give it to them! You are the parent and you are their voice till they are old enough to have their own voice. You have to teach them to stand up for themselves. If you don't, then you better hope someone does so they aren't walked all over their entire life. 

I have 3 kids about 2 years apart. All of them are healthy kids with their own personalities. My son however, was the wild one. The crazy child with a lot of energy. It was fun watching him be so silly and I have many stories, videos, and pictures of his craziness. From the moment he could move, this boy never stopped! When he was 2, he was out of control. It was reaching a point that no amount of punishments were working, nothing I was doing was working, and I was not enjoying my son at all. I hated every minute of and was at a loss of what to do. I was talking about it to a friend and they mentioned taking red dye out of his diet (my mom mentioned this too but I think I honestly forgot about it). Anyways, we did that and it was like night and day how much different my son was. My best example? We went to go see my aunt and grandma with my mom and other 2 kids (my then husband now ex was working) and we went to a popular tourist spot to have lunch. My son was all over the place. He wouldn't sit still. He was climbing out of his chair, he was loud, he was constantly moving and he just wouldn't stop climbing on the rails. After we removed red dye from him, a week or so later, we went back to see my aunt and grandma and my son was calm. He sat in his chair and ate his food. He wasn't running around and climbing the rails. He was enjoyable. I actually was enjoying my son again. It was a amazing! We kept him off red dye (even to this day and he is 9!) and for the most part, he was doing really well. When he was in first grade, his teachers started to notice that he had a hard time settling down when it was time, or not wiggle in line, or be able to pay attention as well. He wasn't on red dye anymore so we decided it was probably time to get him checked for ADD (now called ADHD). His dr got a referral and off to the specialist we went! After lost of testing and lots of talking and going through my kid's past, we got the official diagnosis of ADHD and the steps we need to help him with that as well as get the school on board. We tried meds but honestly, all he did was complain his tummy hurt and I couldn't do that to him anymore. So we moved to CBD oil for him and it worked beautifully! However, my son still kind of did things that we would have to break some how. For instance, he got a cold once and did a nose snort. And then even after the cold was gone, the nose snort was still around and was for months! The only reason he doesn't have the nose snort now is because he had his tonsils and adenoids removed! Then in Nov 2019, his lips got chapped from walking to school in the mornings and afternoons. We gave him chapstick and that wasn't helping so we told him to cover his lips in aquaphor before going outside and sent a little jar with him for it. His lips were red and chapped but not horrible. Than he went to his dad's house and they did nothing but keep putting chapstick on it and when I got him back, he had a huge scab below his lower lip. I ended up taking him to the dr for a swollen lymph node and the dr said the node was fine but that he had a staph infection on his lips. I was shocked! I was upset his face was worse and planned to take care of it but didn't even think a staph infection was possible. At that point, I was pissed that his father didn't pay more attention to it! We got it taken care of but not the damage was done and my son had a new 'tick'. He couldn't stop licking his lips and has been doing it ever since. It's been a year and 5 months and nothing has worked for this poor kid. After getting established with a new dr here, he sent us to a therapist hoping that maybe behavioral therapy would help stop him from licking. So we got an appointment for it and had to wait 4 months. 

Now before I continue on, I'd like to go back just a bit. When we lived in VP area, a friend who went to our church had an autistic son as well as my ex SIL. My son was nothing like either of theirs but still had some things about him that would put him on the spectrum. I had talked to the friend with the autistic son and told her my concerns for my own son. Her son you could tell right away something was off with him. And he had the telltale sign of no eye contact so you knew he had it. My son wasn't like that. He could still make eye contact and my friend told me that my son was fine, he wasn't autistic and I had nothing to worry about. So I never pursued it then because my 'friend' knew what she was talking about. However, years later, it has always been on the back of my mind because of the little odd things my son did. The fact he was super routine, the fact he would freak if the routine was messed up, his little ticks, the way he would talk. I always thought he was on the spectrum but never pursued it. Till we started therapy for him. In the first visit, the counselor met with me only (dad chose to not come) and we talked about my son and his health and what makes him the person he is today. Even the counselor asked if it was possible that maybe he was autistic and I said definitely but that we never pursued it and explained why. He understood and we continued on. Over the course of the next few visits, he got to know my son and also did some sensory testing on him. After the testing was done, we got the official diagnosis that my son was autistic. 

Understand, I am not saddened about this. I am not upset in any way about this except I wish I had pursued it sooner. I have no problem with this at all. Having an autistic son doesn't mean anything except that it explains my son that much more. It will allow us to put in to place something that allows him to be successful, it will allow us to get the school on board, and it will allow us to understand him even better. There is nothing wrong with my son. In fact, the opposite. He is a bright kid with a particular way of doing this and this explains it. That's it. He's a little more sensitive than most kids and he thinks a little differently. He also doesn't fully understand social cues and when it's ok to say something and not. But knowing he has autism, doesn't matter if it's super noticeable or not, is HUGE for us and will hopefully help him in the near future, in school and in life. I'm excited to finally have the diagnosis so we can move forward on this and hopefully, make things just a little easier for him. I am glad I listened to my gut and pursued it still. Later than I wanted to but I did it. Sometimes as a parent, regardless of who you know who might know more info on the subject, always go with your gut and always fight for your child! 

Church and how it let me down.

I believe Church is very important and can have a huge impact on your life whether negative or positive. Don't worry, I'll explain but let me give you some of my background.

I'm a christian and have been all my life. I grew up in a family that was very active in the church with choir and playing instruments. We moved around as my dad was in the air force but regardless of where we were, my parents were involved. When we finally moved and settled down in PKR, I finally got involved in church as did my sibling.  We did choir when younger but I did choir, youth group, worship team (sorta) and drama. Eventually when I was an adult, I became a leader and continued with choir and drama.

The first church I got involved in was when we moved to PKR. My sibling and I could walk to it from our house and would cut through all the fields constantly to get there. We always had friends over after church or youth, specially in the summer and just had a blast. We went on choir tour and winter camps and summer camps and conferences. We had close friends and lots memories were made. I did an internship with one of the youth pastors and joined the adult drama team! I also join small groups and was sorta a leader in one. This was the first time I truly understand what a church family was. These were my people. They were my family. When they hurt, I hurt. When they celebrated, I celebrated. Then some things happened and I lost ALL my friends and I realized my time was done and I moved on to my mother's church. That was a Methodist church and while I do not have problem with the Methodist church, it's not really my cup of tea! But I went, I was involved, when I got married, he got involved. We then moved to CP and found a church there that we got really involved in. My then husband would help with the sound and I was on worship team, playing and singing. And we also were involved in small groups. The church was small but we loved it. It was a close knit group and they loved our kids and loved on us. We had some good long lasting friendships from there. Or so I thought. That's when I think my eyes started to become 'open' to the 'ways' of the church and I think a reason why so many people do not like church or organized religion. Don't worry, I will explain. I promise. After CP, we moved to V/P area and got involved in a church there. Small group leaders, small groups, worship team, kids team, sound team, all church events we could attend, we did. When my ex left, I continued on this. I grew up in the church while my parents served in many areas of the church. I wanted the same for my kids and that was happening here! My kids got to hang with friends, help set up in kids church, hang around and eat donuts all while I served on the info team and the worship team. I had friends help out when my ex left because I was heavily involved and needed help at times and I was grateful for it. But when I started pulling back from serving as much and was kinda forced into quitting the worship team, the church (and all the friends I made) started pulling away from me and I didn't know why but this confirmed everything I was already starting to notice about the church and really left a bad taste in my mouth. In fact, my then boyfriend/now husband encouraged me to find a church when we moved back to PKR and it took me awhile to finally do that and honestly, I did it for my kids. I ended up choosing a church based on friends going there (who are no longer friends-nothing to do with the church though-they rarely go) and I knew the pastor from a previous church and several members in the congregation. However, it's WAY bigger than I want but stayed for the kids. And then covid hit and well, only my oldest gets church time (youth group) because she needs the interaction and I refuse to wear a mask in church. That's a whole other topic though! So, now, my kid goes to youth in the middle of the week and on Sunday's we spend time as a family hanging out doing something. So, now on to the eyes opened part.

When I was younger, I started noticing that the people who got to be on worship or have a solo or a big part in the plays were those who looked amazing (as in they were always well dressed, hair in place, makeup perfect), those that had lots of money (or the appearance of lots of money), and those who were 'amazing' at what they do (play the piano, be the lead actor or soloist, or play an instrument). I was definitely NOT in any of those categories at all. I was super skinny (maybe 100lbs soaking wet), I wore glasses (obvious nerd sign), and I wore baggy clothes that didn't not show off my figure at all. Super shy at times as well. I brushed it off and didn't think twice about it and then a girlfriend got mad and me and spread some lies about me which turned everyone against me (I was able to clear it up with a lot of people so some of them a still friends now, including my best friend). When we left the church in CP to move to V/P, we made sure to tell everyone during the process that needed to know. However, the pastor at the time didn't agree that God wanted us to move and tried to convince us to stay and told us that God wanted us in town to stay and be a part of the big things coming to the church. However, when I saw the job posting online to the time my ex actually got the job was like 2 months time total. It was fast and in my personal experience, when things happen that fast, you do it. You don't 'stay put' cause the pastor said God said to. Specially when everything thing around you is saying otherwise (my ex got the job, a raise, and we found a house basically right away!) Doors opened and we responded by going through them. 

When we got involved in the church in V/P, we had a change in worship leaders which ended up being a good thing and that allowed me to be stretched even more. For instance, I was actually expanding my piano playing and being stretched and I loved it! I was even taking lessons from the worship leader's wife! When my ex left, I had to pull back on some of the things I was involved in but I still did worship team, still volunteered when needed for the info table, tried small groups as well. My ex had cheated on me and my church surrounded me. They helped me with my kids, they helped me with my counseling. The worship leader's wife was trying to meet with me personally as well but that didn't happen much and then stopped all together.  I believe they paid for counseling for a year (which I was super grateful for and was able to continue going till I no longer needed it-I paid myself then). 6 months after my ex left, I started school full time and stayed active in the church. I didn't play every week and my course load wasn't super heavy at the time. I then met my current husband and we started seeing each other so when my kids when to their dad's house (this was a year after he left), I started going to PKR to see my hubby and friends. My course load got heavier and I had to stop volunteering and drop small groups. I hated doing it but I was getting overwhelmed with school and I can't exactly get rid of classes so church stuff had to go but I held on to worship team for as long as I could. However, the worship leader made a new rule that we had to invest in our own instruments (I didn't have my own, I was using the church keyboard they decided they wanted to sell and then used a friends keyboard they gave to me till it broke) and because I couldn't invest financially into my own keyboard, I ended up quitting the worship team. I hated doing it and really wanted them to pour in to me the 2 years I was there and I never really got that. I practiced hard, I changed up how I did things. I wanted to learn from them. I wanted to be a worship leader (still do). I wanted to play piano better and I wanted them to be the ones to teach me but once again, I wasn't 'good enough' and ultimately had to give it up. 

Towards the beginning of 2018, I had lunch with who I thought was a great friend. I've had lunch with this person many times and never had an issue before but this time, I let my friend know that I felt that God was pulling me back to PKR and that at the end of the year, when I was done with school, I would be moving back. She didn't like it and told me that a year is a long time and that God could change my mind and keep me in V/P but that I had to be open to it. Um, hello, my entire adult life has been God driven. I did not move to V/P because I like the area. Far from it! It rains all the time! I want sunshine y'all! I kind of felt her telling me to be 'open' was a slap in the face and that she wasn't really hearing me or wanting to hear me. I just felt really weird after that conversation and with all the worship stuff happening, I started to pull away from the church and ultimately quit going. I was going to the old worship leader's new church for a bit till we moved to PKR and ultimately found a church to go to but for the kids. Not me. I don't want a big church.

In my years of living, I went to 11 churches and discovered the same thing that is common through most churches. You have to be the best looking, best playing, best voice, or have lots of money and then you can get anywhere in the church. Having a willing spirit, a hunger to learn, and a passion for it is not good enough. They won't get you the things you want most. I wanted someone to teach me to be a worship leader. That is all I have ever wanted and some said they would love to and never followed through and others didn't even entertain the idea. Church isn't just a building people meet in to 'have' church. Church is literally the people. You can have 'church' anywhere. Outside at the park, on a boat in the river, in your house. We were made to be relational and that's why a lot of people love socializing at church. It's why I did! It was my time to catch up with friends I don't see during the week! It's probably why I took it so hard after my last church I got involved in kind of dumped me so to speak. I loved them likely family and they were there for me when I needed them. But when I no longer needed them, I was chopped liver and they moved on to the next person who needed them. I've been gone from that church since about Oct 2018 and none of my 'close' friends have checked in on my and the one person who use to, left the church before I did (and she ultimately quit texting me too probably cause apparently we think very differently!). The amount of people I have lost in my life but at church and not is sad and it's got me down. A lot. I often wonder what I did wrong, if I even did anything wrong and will I ever feel like someone (besides my amazing husband) out there WANTS to teach me or WANTS to hang with me or WANTS to be in my life? Church isn't important because it's a building you go in and sit and learn about God. It's important because of the people you are in relationship with sitting beside you as you learn about God and grow in the relationships around you. That is the part I miss the most. The people. I need me some more good people. 

Some Days Are Hard

Found this quote today and it's everything I have ever wanted in the people around me. I finally have a partner who actually does this and it's amazing how different our marriage is and how much better and healthier it is. However, with friends, I have yet to find this and I hate it. I am the type of person that if I really like you as a person and want to be your friend, I put a crap ton of effort into the relationship. I do for some that I am not that close to as well but found that to be exhausting and since they didn't really put the effort in either, I just kind of let those become surface relationships. However, I have some people I have poured countless energy into and continued to for awhile until I realized that no matter what I do or how much energy I pour into people, I will not get the same thing in return. That realization hurt more than anything. It goes back to my blog post of am I enough. The people I poured into purposely were people I felt I wanted in my life. I wanted to be their friend. I wanted to know them. They were worth the time and effort I was putting into them. Even the people I have known a long time who are still a part of my life, I poured lots into and, while we got along great and talked regularly, didn't get it reciprocated. All I have ever wanted was someone to text me first, message me first, talk to me first, ask me to hang first. Not always. That's the point of relationships. You both put into the relationship. You both do the texting and inviting and hanging out. It shouldn't be one sided and most of mine have been. 

This has been on my mind a lot lately, especially since losing some very close friends, 3 of whom I really miss and really poured into! Regardless, all relationships should be 2 sided. Ok, well almost all. Kids till a certain point would be harder to be 2 sided! But you get the general point. People want to know they are valued for who they are. That people want to get to know them and want to be their friend. It doesn't matter who they are or how much confidence they have or whether or not they would admit it, everyone wants to know they matter and not just to their significant others or family but to their friends as well. Seriously, let those people around you know they matter to you. Invite them first for a change. Text them first. Send them a random 'glad we're friends' card in the mail or pop in just to check in on them. Something to let them know they really do matter to you. Trust me, they will truly appreciate it!