Church and how it let me down.

I believe Church is very important and can have a huge impact on your life whether negative or positive. Don't worry, I'll explain but let me give you some of my background.

I'm a christian and have been all my life. I grew up in a family that was very active in the church with choir and playing instruments. We moved around as my dad was in the air force but regardless of where we were, my parents were involved. When we finally moved and settled down in PKR, I finally got involved in church as did my sibling.  We did choir when younger but I did choir, youth group, worship team (sorta) and drama. Eventually when I was an adult, I became a leader and continued with choir and drama.

The first church I got involved in was when we moved to PKR. My sibling and I could walk to it from our house and would cut through all the fields constantly to get there. We always had friends over after church or youth, specially in the summer and just had a blast. We went on choir tour and winter camps and summer camps and conferences. We had close friends and lots memories were made. I did an internship with one of the youth pastors and joined the adult drama team! I also join small groups and was sorta a leader in one. This was the first time I truly understand what a church family was. These were my people. They were my family. When they hurt, I hurt. When they celebrated, I celebrated. Then some things happened and I lost ALL my friends and I realized my time was done and I moved on to my mother's church. That was a Methodist church and while I do not have problem with the Methodist church, it's not really my cup of tea! But I went, I was involved, when I got married, he got involved. We then moved to CP and found a church there that we got really involved in. My then husband would help with the sound and I was on worship team, playing and singing. And we also were involved in small groups. The church was small but we loved it. It was a close knit group and they loved our kids and loved on us. We had some good long lasting friendships from there. Or so I thought. That's when I think my eyes started to become 'open' to the 'ways' of the church and I think a reason why so many people do not like church or organized religion. Don't worry, I will explain. I promise. After CP, we moved to V/P area and got involved in a church there. Small group leaders, small groups, worship team, kids team, sound team, all church events we could attend, we did. When my ex left, I continued on this. I grew up in the church while my parents served in many areas of the church. I wanted the same for my kids and that was happening here! My kids got to hang with friends, help set up in kids church, hang around and eat donuts all while I served on the info team and the worship team. I had friends help out when my ex left because I was heavily involved and needed help at times and I was grateful for it. But when I started pulling back from serving as much and was kinda forced into quitting the worship team, the church (and all the friends I made) started pulling away from me and I didn't know why but this confirmed everything I was already starting to notice about the church and really left a bad taste in my mouth. In fact, my then boyfriend/now husband encouraged me to find a church when we moved back to PKR and it took me awhile to finally do that and honestly, I did it for my kids. I ended up choosing a church based on friends going there (who are no longer friends-nothing to do with the church though-they rarely go) and I knew the pastor from a previous church and several members in the congregation. However, it's WAY bigger than I want but stayed for the kids. And then covid hit and well, only my oldest gets church time (youth group) because she needs the interaction and I refuse to wear a mask in church. That's a whole other topic though! So, now, my kid goes to youth in the middle of the week and on Sunday's we spend time as a family hanging out doing something. So, now on to the eyes opened part.

When I was younger, I started noticing that the people who got to be on worship or have a solo or a big part in the plays were those who looked amazing (as in they were always well dressed, hair in place, makeup perfect), those that had lots of money (or the appearance of lots of money), and those who were 'amazing' at what they do (play the piano, be the lead actor or soloist, or play an instrument). I was definitely NOT in any of those categories at all. I was super skinny (maybe 100lbs soaking wet), I wore glasses (obvious nerd sign), and I wore baggy clothes that didn't not show off my figure at all. Super shy at times as well. I brushed it off and didn't think twice about it and then a girlfriend got mad and me and spread some lies about me which turned everyone against me (I was able to clear it up with a lot of people so some of them a still friends now, including my best friend). When we left the church in CP to move to V/P, we made sure to tell everyone during the process that needed to know. However, the pastor at the time didn't agree that God wanted us to move and tried to convince us to stay and told us that God wanted us in town to stay and be a part of the big things coming to the church. However, when I saw the job posting online to the time my ex actually got the job was like 2 months time total. It was fast and in my personal experience, when things happen that fast, you do it. You don't 'stay put' cause the pastor said God said to. Specially when everything thing around you is saying otherwise (my ex got the job, a raise, and we found a house basically right away!) Doors opened and we responded by going through them. 

When we got involved in the church in V/P, we had a change in worship leaders which ended up being a good thing and that allowed me to be stretched even more. For instance, I was actually expanding my piano playing and being stretched and I loved it! I was even taking lessons from the worship leader's wife! When my ex left, I had to pull back on some of the things I was involved in but I still did worship team, still volunteered when needed for the info table, tried small groups as well. My ex had cheated on me and my church surrounded me. They helped me with my kids, they helped me with my counseling. The worship leader's wife was trying to meet with me personally as well but that didn't happen much and then stopped all together.  I believe they paid for counseling for a year (which I was super grateful for and was able to continue going till I no longer needed it-I paid myself then). 6 months after my ex left, I started school full time and stayed active in the church. I didn't play every week and my course load wasn't super heavy at the time. I then met my current husband and we started seeing each other so when my kids when to their dad's house (this was a year after he left), I started going to PKR to see my hubby and friends. My course load got heavier and I had to stop volunteering and drop small groups. I hated doing it but I was getting overwhelmed with school and I can't exactly get rid of classes so church stuff had to go but I held on to worship team for as long as I could. However, the worship leader made a new rule that we had to invest in our own instruments (I didn't have my own, I was using the church keyboard they decided they wanted to sell and then used a friends keyboard they gave to me till it broke) and because I couldn't invest financially into my own keyboard, I ended up quitting the worship team. I hated doing it and really wanted them to pour in to me the 2 years I was there and I never really got that. I practiced hard, I changed up how I did things. I wanted to learn from them. I wanted to be a worship leader (still do). I wanted to play piano better and I wanted them to be the ones to teach me but once again, I wasn't 'good enough' and ultimately had to give it up. 

Towards the beginning of 2018, I had lunch with who I thought was a great friend. I've had lunch with this person many times and never had an issue before but this time, I let my friend know that I felt that God was pulling me back to PKR and that at the end of the year, when I was done with school, I would be moving back. She didn't like it and told me that a year is a long time and that God could change my mind and keep me in V/P but that I had to be open to it. Um, hello, my entire adult life has been God driven. I did not move to V/P because I like the area. Far from it! It rains all the time! I want sunshine y'all! I kind of felt her telling me to be 'open' was a slap in the face and that she wasn't really hearing me or wanting to hear me. I just felt really weird after that conversation and with all the worship stuff happening, I started to pull away from the church and ultimately quit going. I was going to the old worship leader's new church for a bit till we moved to PKR and ultimately found a church to go to but for the kids. Not me. I don't want a big church.

In my years of living, I went to 11 churches and discovered the same thing that is common through most churches. You have to be the best looking, best playing, best voice, or have lots of money and then you can get anywhere in the church. Having a willing spirit, a hunger to learn, and a passion for it is not good enough. They won't get you the things you want most. I wanted someone to teach me to be a worship leader. That is all I have ever wanted and some said they would love to and never followed through and others didn't even entertain the idea. Church isn't just a building people meet in to 'have' church. Church is literally the people. You can have 'church' anywhere. Outside at the park, on a boat in the river, in your house. We were made to be relational and that's why a lot of people love socializing at church. It's why I did! It was my time to catch up with friends I don't see during the week! It's probably why I took it so hard after my last church I got involved in kind of dumped me so to speak. I loved them likely family and they were there for me when I needed them. But when I no longer needed them, I was chopped liver and they moved on to the next person who needed them. I've been gone from that church since about Oct 2018 and none of my 'close' friends have checked in on my and the one person who use to, left the church before I did (and she ultimately quit texting me too probably cause apparently we think very differently!). The amount of people I have lost in my life but at church and not is sad and it's got me down. A lot. I often wonder what I did wrong, if I even did anything wrong and will I ever feel like someone (besides my amazing husband) out there WANTS to teach me or WANTS to hang with me or WANTS to be in my life? Church isn't important because it's a building you go in and sit and learn about God. It's important because of the people you are in relationship with sitting beside you as you learn about God and grow in the relationships around you. That is the part I miss the most. The people. I need me some more good people. 

Some Days Are Hard

Found this quote today and it's everything I have ever wanted in the people around me. I finally have a partner who actually does this and it's amazing how different our marriage is and how much better and healthier it is. However, with friends, I have yet to find this and I hate it. I am the type of person that if I really like you as a person and want to be your friend, I put a crap ton of effort into the relationship. I do for some that I am not that close to as well but found that to be exhausting and since they didn't really put the effort in either, I just kind of let those become surface relationships. However, I have some people I have poured countless energy into and continued to for awhile until I realized that no matter what I do or how much energy I pour into people, I will not get the same thing in return. That realization hurt more than anything. It goes back to my blog post of am I enough. The people I poured into purposely were people I felt I wanted in my life. I wanted to be their friend. I wanted to know them. They were worth the time and effort I was putting into them. Even the people I have known a long time who are still a part of my life, I poured lots into and, while we got along great and talked regularly, didn't get it reciprocated. All I have ever wanted was someone to text me first, message me first, talk to me first, ask me to hang first. Not always. That's the point of relationships. You both put into the relationship. You both do the texting and inviting and hanging out. It shouldn't be one sided and most of mine have been. 

This has been on my mind a lot lately, especially since losing some very close friends, 3 of whom I really miss and really poured into! Regardless, all relationships should be 2 sided. Ok, well almost all. Kids till a certain point would be harder to be 2 sided! But you get the general point. People want to know they are valued for who they are. That people want to get to know them and want to be their friend. It doesn't matter who they are or how much confidence they have or whether or not they would admit it, everyone wants to know they matter and not just to their significant others or family but to their friends as well. Seriously, let those people around you know they matter to you. Invite them first for a change. Text them first. Send them a random 'glad we're friends' card in the mail or pop in just to check in on them. Something to let them know they really do matter to you. Trust me, they will truly appreciate it!

You Can't Say That!

Today is March 10, 2021. The president is Biden, covid is still around, and liberalism is at an all time high. Normally I wouldn't care. I would continue living my life how I feel is best and let others worry about themselves. I mean, that's how it should be! However, that is no longer a reality! With covid, things were drastically changed because we could no longer shop (except groceries), go out to eat, or hang with friends (well, we weren't suppose to but we didn't listen to that one). If we went grocery shopping, we had to wear a mask and stay away from everyone. I had no problem with staying away from people because well, people suck. But wearing a mask? Yeah I had issues. Things are finally opening up more but nothing looks the same anymore which saddens me and breaks my heart. At the end of 2020, we voted for a new president who is definitely more on the liberal side. We are probably doomed but wasn't gonna stop me from continuing to live my life how I want. And then the cancel culture came out in swarms telling me what I can and can not do, say, watch, wear, feel, you name it, they had a reason it couldn't happen. For instance, Gina Carano who played a character in Disney's Mandalorian, posted an insensitive tweet that supposedly likened Hitler to things going on now that got people all upset (probably because it was true but we don't talk about that) and was fired for it but the head honcho of Disney posted a tweet that #MAGAkids should be sent to the wood chipper. That wasn't offensive at all. Totally ok. And there is the song Baby It's Cold Outside which is a horrible rape song and how dare we encourage the song to be played! Who cares that it was back in the 40's and things were different then, it's a horrible song. Change the lyrics or get rid of it. But we can listen to Cardi B's WAP with 0 complaints. It's totally appropriate too! Here's some lyrics for ya. 

"Beat it up, nigga, catch a charge. Extra large and extra hard. Put this pussy right in your face. Swipe your nose like a credit card. Hop on top, I wanna ride. I do a kegel while it's inside. Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes. This pussy is wet, come take a dive. Tie me up like I'm surprised. Let's role play, I'll wear a disguise. I want you to park that big Mack truck. Right in this little garage. Make it cream, make me scream. Out in public, make a scene. I don't cook, I don't clean. But let me tell you how I got this ring."

Totally appropriate. So much better than a man wanting a woman to say because the snow is bad on the ground......seriously?!  This is what we want our children to listen to?! This is the 'role model' we want for our kids?! Our GIRLS?! Oh, right sorry. We aren't allowed to call them that either.....Pelosi actually tried to get gendered names thrown out (then used them all like a week later cause it doesn't apply to her). As in it's not mom, dad, brother, sister, grandpa, grandma and so on. It's grandparent, parent, sibling, child. I don't have 2 daughters and one 1, I have 3 children. If I say I have 2 daughters and 1 son (cause you know, that's what they are), I am offending someone, leaving someone out, hurting someones feelings. My life is apparently not my life. I supposedly can't decide what is best for my family. Instead, the world has decided they are better at know what is best for my family then me and now has things we have to follow so we don't hurt or offend anyone. However, the world hasn't learned the biggest thing that will stop them in their tracks. I am the one who makes the decisions and no one else.

You haven't met me but you have probably met people like me. We are considered the 'conspiracy theorist' who will not change because someone might be offended. We just celebrated International Women's day. A day that celebrates women and how far we have come only we aren't moving forward anymore. We are moving backwards. Because transgender is a thing now, we have to bow down to their needs. Their wants. Their desires. Whether we agree or not. And there is no way to claim anything you want without offending them. I mean, you can't claim you are a mom cause that will offend them since they are transgendered. They went so far as to say that breastfeeding (the word) is no longer allowed since it will offend those who have decided they are now a man and can still feed their child. So we now must call is chest feeding......Do people not understand that not only do men have BREASTs but they can also get BREAST cancer. Why would we change it?! And why do I, who is FEMALE and have BREASTS change anything about who I am and what I do?! Because someone else is offended?? I am not telling them to live THEIR life MY way, but they are telling me to live MY life THEIR way cause if I don't, it offensive and now I am a horrible person....WHAT?! How about being told I can't claim mom, wife, daughter, sister is offensive to me?! Do MY feelings now count?! Seriously?! Sorry but no. You want me to respect that you have changed 'sides' and call you they or man or it or whatever it is now we are "suppose" to say, then you have to show the SAME respect to me. You can be whatever you want. So can I. And I will shout it to the rooftop! I will say it loud AND proud! And I will NOT be silenced because YOU might be offended by MY gender.....get over it. Move on. I don't cater to you. This is MY life, MY family, MY CHOICE. Respect it or don't, I really don't care but stop expecting me to change because you have decided I have to. I will refer to you as you would like, but you will do the same for me. Period. End of story. That's how it works. 

I am a female. I have boobs and a vagina. I am proud of who I am and I will NOT be silenced. I am a WIFE, MOTHER, SISTER, DAUGHTER, GRANDDAUGHTER, AUNT, SISTER IN LAW, DAUGHTER IN LAW, who BREASTfed all my children. I have accomplished a lot in my life as a single mother and that has helped shape who I am today. You will not rob me of my identity ever. I AM WOMAN and I CAN say what I want!

Well That Escalated....

 My last blog I mentioned not feeling good enough. Well, now I am learning how to move forward in spite of that being 'proved' to me. Recently I had a really close good group of friends. At least they were in my eyes. We hung out all the time, gave each other gifts for Christmas, and spent a lot of weekends hanging out or helping each other. We considered them our people and we loved them. We've never had any spats or real issues that needed addressing. We've been friends for almost 3 years and had many milestones happen in that 3 years. A wedding, 4 (3 couples and 1 person) houses bought, many fun parties and gatherings! There were 6 of us that were really close but the last year and a half we had another couple that joined and was becoming a part of our inner circle. And on Tuesday, February 23, 2021, that all ended with miscommunication that doesn't even make sense, wasn't true, and was never, ever brought to our attention. I cleared up the miscommunication sorta with one couple who is still facebook friends but our friendship has changed forever. We will no longer hang out in person ever again. The rest of them, things have ended completely and we have no clue why. We have no clue what happened. We have no clue if we did something wrong or we never had a chance to fix it. All we knew is that our friends stopped talking to us at the beginning of January. Misinformation was spread about us behind our backs. When asked what was going on, no one responded. When personal texts asking what was going on were also ignored, we knew something was up but no one would tell us a thing until the one person did who I cleared it up with. Even when hubby asked one of them personally what was going on, he was told to ask the group, which we did. We unfriended the 2 that cause all of this and hubby did unfriend and block all of them but I remained friends with the other 2 who eventually unfriended me after meeting with the entire group to discuss the issues of us. I'm sure they talked about other things as well but they most definitely talked about us. I sat down and wrote letters out explaining how it all looked from our side and how we are 100% clueless of what happened and why we were no longer friends but apparently none of them care enough to clue us in cause 2 weeks later and we haven't heard from any of them. Now, I do have other friends that I love dearly and we hang out with. But these people were the ones who we hung out with the most and were our family and now I feel a something is missing. I will eventually move forward. It's harder cause I do not have closure of what happened and if it could have been fixed and to be honest, I miss them all. Terribly. Yeah things weren't amazing and I always felt on the outside of the group but they were still my people and it hurts they are no longer there. I know, it sounds pathetic but it's the reality. I hate how things went down and even if we ever find out what happened, there is no coming back from this. For any of them. And that really hurts.