Church and how it let me down.

I believe Church is very important and can have a huge impact on your life whether negative or positive. Don't worry, I'll explain but let me give you some of my background.

I'm a christian and have been all my life. I grew up in a family that was very active in the church with choir and playing instruments. We moved around as my dad was in the air force but regardless of where we were, my parents were involved. When we finally moved and settled down in PKR, I finally got involved in church as did my sibling.  We did choir when younger but I did choir, youth group, worship team (sorta) and drama. Eventually when I was an adult, I became a leader and continued with choir and drama.

The first church I got involved in was when we moved to PKR. My sibling and I could walk to it from our house and would cut through all the fields constantly to get there. We always had friends over after church or youth, specially in the summer and just had a blast. We went on choir tour and winter camps and summer camps and conferences. We had close friends and lots memories were made. I did an internship with one of the youth pastors and joined the adult drama team! I also join small groups and was sorta a leader in one. This was the first time I truly understand what a church family was. These were my people. They were my family. When they hurt, I hurt. When they celebrated, I celebrated. Then some things happened and I lost ALL my friends and I realized my time was done and I moved on to my mother's church. That was a Methodist church and while I do not have problem with the Methodist church, it's not really my cup of tea! But I went, I was involved, when I got married, he got involved. We then moved to CP and found a church there that we got really involved in. My then husband would help with the sound and I was on worship team, playing and singing. And we also were involved in small groups. The church was small but we loved it. It was a close knit group and they loved our kids and loved on us. We had some good long lasting friendships from there. Or so I thought. That's when I think my eyes started to become 'open' to the 'ways' of the church and I think a reason why so many people do not like church or organized religion. Don't worry, I will explain. I promise. After CP, we moved to V/P area and got involved in a church there. Small group leaders, small groups, worship team, kids team, sound team, all church events we could attend, we did. When my ex left, I continued on this. I grew up in the church while my parents served in many areas of the church. I wanted the same for my kids and that was happening here! My kids got to hang with friends, help set up in kids church, hang around and eat donuts all while I served on the info team and the worship team. I had friends help out when my ex left because I was heavily involved and needed help at times and I was grateful for it. But when I started pulling back from serving as much and was kinda forced into quitting the worship team, the church (and all the friends I made) started pulling away from me and I didn't know why but this confirmed everything I was already starting to notice about the church and really left a bad taste in my mouth. In fact, my then boyfriend/now husband encouraged me to find a church when we moved back to PKR and it took me awhile to finally do that and honestly, I did it for my kids. I ended up choosing a church based on friends going there (who are no longer friends-nothing to do with the church though-they rarely go) and I knew the pastor from a previous church and several members in the congregation. However, it's WAY bigger than I want but stayed for the kids. And then covid hit and well, only my oldest gets church time (youth group) because she needs the interaction and I refuse to wear a mask in church. That's a whole other topic though! So, now, my kid goes to youth in the middle of the week and on Sunday's we spend time as a family hanging out doing something. So, now on to the eyes opened part.

When I was younger, I started noticing that the people who got to be on worship or have a solo or a big part in the plays were those who looked amazing (as in they were always well dressed, hair in place, makeup perfect), those that had lots of money (or the appearance of lots of money), and those who were 'amazing' at what they do (play the piano, be the lead actor or soloist, or play an instrument). I was definitely NOT in any of those categories at all. I was super skinny (maybe 100lbs soaking wet), I wore glasses (obvious nerd sign), and I wore baggy clothes that didn't not show off my figure at all. Super shy at times as well. I brushed it off and didn't think twice about it and then a girlfriend got mad and me and spread some lies about me which turned everyone against me (I was able to clear it up with a lot of people so some of them a still friends now, including my best friend). When we left the church in CP to move to V/P, we made sure to tell everyone during the process that needed to know. However, the pastor at the time didn't agree that God wanted us to move and tried to convince us to stay and told us that God wanted us in town to stay and be a part of the big things coming to the church. However, when I saw the job posting online to the time my ex actually got the job was like 2 months time total. It was fast and in my personal experience, when things happen that fast, you do it. You don't 'stay put' cause the pastor said God said to. Specially when everything thing around you is saying otherwise (my ex got the job, a raise, and we found a house basically right away!) Doors opened and we responded by going through them. 

When we got involved in the church in V/P, we had a change in worship leaders which ended up being a good thing and that allowed me to be stretched even more. For instance, I was actually expanding my piano playing and being stretched and I loved it! I was even taking lessons from the worship leader's wife! When my ex left, I had to pull back on some of the things I was involved in but I still did worship team, still volunteered when needed for the info table, tried small groups as well. My ex had cheated on me and my church surrounded me. They helped me with my kids, they helped me with my counseling. The worship leader's wife was trying to meet with me personally as well but that didn't happen much and then stopped all together.  I believe they paid for counseling for a year (which I was super grateful for and was able to continue going till I no longer needed it-I paid myself then). 6 months after my ex left, I started school full time and stayed active in the church. I didn't play every week and my course load wasn't super heavy at the time. I then met my current husband and we started seeing each other so when my kids when to their dad's house (this was a year after he left), I started going to PKR to see my hubby and friends. My course load got heavier and I had to stop volunteering and drop small groups. I hated doing it but I was getting overwhelmed with school and I can't exactly get rid of classes so church stuff had to go but I held on to worship team for as long as I could. However, the worship leader made a new rule that we had to invest in our own instruments (I didn't have my own, I was using the church keyboard they decided they wanted to sell and then used a friends keyboard they gave to me till it broke) and because I couldn't invest financially into my own keyboard, I ended up quitting the worship team. I hated doing it and really wanted them to pour in to me the 2 years I was there and I never really got that. I practiced hard, I changed up how I did things. I wanted to learn from them. I wanted to be a worship leader (still do). I wanted to play piano better and I wanted them to be the ones to teach me but once again, I wasn't 'good enough' and ultimately had to give it up. 

Towards the beginning of 2018, I had lunch with who I thought was a great friend. I've had lunch with this person many times and never had an issue before but this time, I let my friend know that I felt that God was pulling me back to PKR and that at the end of the year, when I was done with school, I would be moving back. She didn't like it and told me that a year is a long time and that God could change my mind and keep me in V/P but that I had to be open to it. Um, hello, my entire adult life has been God driven. I did not move to V/P because I like the area. Far from it! It rains all the time! I want sunshine y'all! I kind of felt her telling me to be 'open' was a slap in the face and that she wasn't really hearing me or wanting to hear me. I just felt really weird after that conversation and with all the worship stuff happening, I started to pull away from the church and ultimately quit going. I was going to the old worship leader's new church for a bit till we moved to PKR and ultimately found a church to go to but for the kids. Not me. I don't want a big church.

In my years of living, I went to 11 churches and discovered the same thing that is common through most churches. You have to be the best looking, best playing, best voice, or have lots of money and then you can get anywhere in the church. Having a willing spirit, a hunger to learn, and a passion for it is not good enough. They won't get you the things you want most. I wanted someone to teach me to be a worship leader. That is all I have ever wanted and some said they would love to and never followed through and others didn't even entertain the idea. Church isn't just a building people meet in to 'have' church. Church is literally the people. You can have 'church' anywhere. Outside at the park, on a boat in the river, in your house. We were made to be relational and that's why a lot of people love socializing at church. It's why I did! It was my time to catch up with friends I don't see during the week! It's probably why I took it so hard after my last church I got involved in kind of dumped me so to speak. I loved them likely family and they were there for me when I needed them. But when I no longer needed them, I was chopped liver and they moved on to the next person who needed them. I've been gone from that church since about Oct 2018 and none of my 'close' friends have checked in on my and the one person who use to, left the church before I did (and she ultimately quit texting me too probably cause apparently we think very differently!). The amount of people I have lost in my life but at church and not is sad and it's got me down. A lot. I often wonder what I did wrong, if I even did anything wrong and will I ever feel like someone (besides my amazing husband) out there WANTS to teach me or WANTS to hang with me or WANTS to be in my life? Church isn't important because it's a building you go in and sit and learn about God. It's important because of the people you are in relationship with sitting beside you as you learn about God and grow in the relationships around you. That is the part I miss the most. The people. I need me some more good people. 

Some Days Are Hard

Found this quote today and it's everything I have ever wanted in the people around me. I finally have a partner who actually does this and it's amazing how different our marriage is and how much better and healthier it is. However, with friends, I have yet to find this and I hate it. I am the type of person that if I really like you as a person and want to be your friend, I put a crap ton of effort into the relationship. I do for some that I am not that close to as well but found that to be exhausting and since they didn't really put the effort in either, I just kind of let those become surface relationships. However, I have some people I have poured countless energy into and continued to for awhile until I realized that no matter what I do or how much energy I pour into people, I will not get the same thing in return. That realization hurt more than anything. It goes back to my blog post of am I enough. The people I poured into purposely were people I felt I wanted in my life. I wanted to be their friend. I wanted to know them. They were worth the time and effort I was putting into them. Even the people I have known a long time who are still a part of my life, I poured lots into and, while we got along great and talked regularly, didn't get it reciprocated. All I have ever wanted was someone to text me first, message me first, talk to me first, ask me to hang first. Not always. That's the point of relationships. You both put into the relationship. You both do the texting and inviting and hanging out. It shouldn't be one sided and most of mine have been. 

This has been on my mind a lot lately, especially since losing some very close friends, 3 of whom I really miss and really poured into! Regardless, all relationships should be 2 sided. Ok, well almost all. Kids till a certain point would be harder to be 2 sided! But you get the general point. People want to know they are valued for who they are. That people want to get to know them and want to be their friend. It doesn't matter who they are or how much confidence they have or whether or not they would admit it, everyone wants to know they matter and not just to their significant others or family but to their friends as well. Seriously, let those people around you know they matter to you. Invite them first for a change. Text them first. Send them a random 'glad we're friends' card in the mail or pop in just to check in on them. Something to let them know they really do matter to you. Trust me, they will truly appreciate it!

You Can't Say That!

Today is March 10, 2021. The president is Biden, covid is still around, and liberalism is at an all time high. Normally I wouldn't care. I would continue living my life how I feel is best and let others worry about themselves. I mean, that's how it should be! However, that is no longer a reality! With covid, things were drastically changed because we could no longer shop (except groceries), go out to eat, or hang with friends (well, we weren't suppose to but we didn't listen to that one). If we went grocery shopping, we had to wear a mask and stay away from everyone. I had no problem with staying away from people because well, people suck. But wearing a mask? Yeah I had issues. Things are finally opening up more but nothing looks the same anymore which saddens me and breaks my heart. At the end of 2020, we voted for a new president who is definitely more on the liberal side. We are probably doomed but wasn't gonna stop me from continuing to live my life how I want. And then the cancel culture came out in swarms telling me what I can and can not do, say, watch, wear, feel, you name it, they had a reason it couldn't happen. For instance, Gina Carano who played a character in Disney's Mandalorian, posted an insensitive tweet that supposedly likened Hitler to things going on now that got people all upset (probably because it was true but we don't talk about that) and was fired for it but the head honcho of Disney posted a tweet that #MAGAkids should be sent to the wood chipper. That wasn't offensive at all. Totally ok. And there is the song Baby It's Cold Outside which is a horrible rape song and how dare we encourage the song to be played! Who cares that it was back in the 40's and things were different then, it's a horrible song. Change the lyrics or get rid of it. But we can listen to Cardi B's WAP with 0 complaints. It's totally appropriate too! Here's some lyrics for ya. 

"Beat it up, nigga, catch a charge. Extra large and extra hard. Put this pussy right in your face. Swipe your nose like a credit card. Hop on top, I wanna ride. I do a kegel while it's inside. Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes. This pussy is wet, come take a dive. Tie me up like I'm surprised. Let's role play, I'll wear a disguise. I want you to park that big Mack truck. Right in this little garage. Make it cream, make me scream. Out in public, make a scene. I don't cook, I don't clean. But let me tell you how I got this ring."

Totally appropriate. So much better than a man wanting a woman to say because the snow is bad on the ground......seriously?!  This is what we want our children to listen to?! This is the 'role model' we want for our kids?! Our GIRLS?! Oh, right sorry. We aren't allowed to call them that either.....Pelosi actually tried to get gendered names thrown out (then used them all like a week later cause it doesn't apply to her). As in it's not mom, dad, brother, sister, grandpa, grandma and so on. It's grandparent, parent, sibling, child. I don't have 2 daughters and one 1, I have 3 children. If I say I have 2 daughters and 1 son (cause you know, that's what they are), I am offending someone, leaving someone out, hurting someones feelings. My life is apparently not my life. I supposedly can't decide what is best for my family. Instead, the world has decided they are better at know what is best for my family then me and now has things we have to follow so we don't hurt or offend anyone. However, the world hasn't learned the biggest thing that will stop them in their tracks. I am the one who makes the decisions and no one else.

You haven't met me but you have probably met people like me. We are considered the 'conspiracy theorist' who will not change because someone might be offended. We just celebrated International Women's day. A day that celebrates women and how far we have come only we aren't moving forward anymore. We are moving backwards. Because transgender is a thing now, we have to bow down to their needs. Their wants. Their desires. Whether we agree or not. And there is no way to claim anything you want without offending them. I mean, you can't claim you are a mom cause that will offend them since they are transgendered. They went so far as to say that breastfeeding (the word) is no longer allowed since it will offend those who have decided they are now a man and can still feed their child. So we now must call is chest feeding......Do people not understand that not only do men have BREASTs but they can also get BREAST cancer. Why would we change it?! And why do I, who is FEMALE and have BREASTS change anything about who I am and what I do?! Because someone else is offended?? I am not telling them to live THEIR life MY way, but they are telling me to live MY life THEIR way cause if I don't, it offensive and now I am a horrible person....WHAT?! How about being told I can't claim mom, wife, daughter, sister is offensive to me?! Do MY feelings now count?! Seriously?! Sorry but no. You want me to respect that you have changed 'sides' and call you they or man or it or whatever it is now we are "suppose" to say, then you have to show the SAME respect to me. You can be whatever you want. So can I. And I will shout it to the rooftop! I will say it loud AND proud! And I will NOT be silenced because YOU might be offended by MY gender.....get over it. Move on. I don't cater to you. This is MY life, MY family, MY CHOICE. Respect it or don't, I really don't care but stop expecting me to change because you have decided I have to. I will refer to you as you would like, but you will do the same for me. Period. End of story. That's how it works. 

I am a female. I have boobs and a vagina. I am proud of who I am and I will NOT be silenced. I am a WIFE, MOTHER, SISTER, DAUGHTER, GRANDDAUGHTER, AUNT, SISTER IN LAW, DAUGHTER IN LAW, who BREASTfed all my children. I have accomplished a lot in my life as a single mother and that has helped shape who I am today. You will not rob me of my identity ever. I AM WOMAN and I CAN say what I want!

Well That Escalated....

 My last blog I mentioned not feeling good enough. Well, now I am learning how to move forward in spite of that being 'proved' to me. Recently I had a really close good group of friends. At least they were in my eyes. We hung out all the time, gave each other gifts for Christmas, and spent a lot of weekends hanging out or helping each other. We considered them our people and we loved them. We've never had any spats or real issues that needed addressing. We've been friends for almost 3 years and had many milestones happen in that 3 years. A wedding, 4 (3 couples and 1 person) houses bought, many fun parties and gatherings! There were 6 of us that were really close but the last year and a half we had another couple that joined and was becoming a part of our inner circle. And on Tuesday, February 23, 2021, that all ended with miscommunication that doesn't even make sense, wasn't true, and was never, ever brought to our attention. I cleared up the miscommunication sorta with one couple who is still facebook friends but our friendship has changed forever. We will no longer hang out in person ever again. The rest of them, things have ended completely and we have no clue why. We have no clue what happened. We have no clue if we did something wrong or we never had a chance to fix it. All we knew is that our friends stopped talking to us at the beginning of January. Misinformation was spread about us behind our backs. When asked what was going on, no one responded. When personal texts asking what was going on were also ignored, we knew something was up but no one would tell us a thing until the one person did who I cleared it up with. Even when hubby asked one of them personally what was going on, he was told to ask the group, which we did. We unfriended the 2 that cause all of this and hubby did unfriend and block all of them but I remained friends with the other 2 who eventually unfriended me after meeting with the entire group to discuss the issues of us. I'm sure they talked about other things as well but they most definitely talked about us. I sat down and wrote letters out explaining how it all looked from our side and how we are 100% clueless of what happened and why we were no longer friends but apparently none of them care enough to clue us in cause 2 weeks later and we haven't heard from any of them. Now, I do have other friends that I love dearly and we hang out with. But these people were the ones who we hung out with the most and were our family and now I feel a something is missing. I will eventually move forward. It's harder cause I do not have closure of what happened and if it could have been fixed and to be honest, I miss them all. Terribly. Yeah things weren't amazing and I always felt on the outside of the group but they were still my people and it hurts they are no longer there. I know, it sounds pathetic but it's the reality. I hate how things went down and even if we ever find out what happened, there is no coming back from this. For any of them. And that really hurts. 

I Am Never Enough

 Have you ever felt like you just weren't good enough? It doesn't have to be in relationships either. It can be at your workplace, in your church, school, anywhere! I've felt this way for many years in many aspects of my life! It started with my church actually and eventually moved into my relationships and workplace. Even as a youth who wanted to be involved in church, I still felt like I was never good enough. I really wanted to learn to lead worship, play piano well, be a leader, and essentially learn from someone. Someone who was willing to take the time to teach me and allow me to learn from their experiences. That never happened. Sure I was sometimes singing and playing piano on youth worship but I never got the lead parts. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, rich enough. At least that's how I felt. That eventually moved into choir and drama for the church as well as my leadership positions. It also didn't help that I was super shy for a big chunk too. I noticed that if you were outgoing, good looking, smart, rich, and were amazing at what you did (play, lead, sing) then you were essentially the cream of the crop! We want you and we want you now and we only want you, no one else. It hurt but I eventually realized that I would never be good enough and even though I was trying, it didn't matter. It wasn't till we were in Walla Walla that I was able to break out of my shell even more and was the lead pianist. Still didn't lead vocally but I was playing and I got to sing! Then when we moved to Vancouver and got involved in a church there, I was playing piano, sometimes lead but then got put on 2nd piano and was the one who played the fun sounds and little didlies in songs which was cool but I still wanted to learn to lead. I never lead worship. Never. I even asked to be taught because I wanted to learn so badly and that never happened. Then I got divorced and ended up going to school full time and had to pull away from some of the things I was doing in the church. Worship was the very last thing I pulled away from and that was only because I was forced to. That's another topic in and of itself! However, this church was cool in that they would do these fun songs that weren't necessarily Christian but went with the sermon series! I got to play on 2 of these songs, never sang any of them. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't popular enough. I wasn't enough. This reality hurt but I kept going as if it was nothing and kept trying even though I was constantly reminded by their actions and even their words sometimes that I was never enough and was never going to be enough. Ever. I improved in my skills and learned a lot but I was never given the opportunity to move beyond 2nd best. That was just my church life. That wasn't even my personal! Or my work!

In my current job, I do have those feelings somewhat but that is mostly because I am in a weird situation where it doesn't matter who the owner is, that is not who is in charge and as long as the 2 people in charge still work here, nothing will ever change and the owners will never back me up even though I am right. Oh and the people in charge? Yeah they aren't suppose to be but because no one will stand up to them (except me and I am paying for it!), nothing will change and so here we are.

As for my relationships, this is sadly a common theme and one I am reaching a point where I am not sure I can handle it anymore. I haven't ever felt like I was good enough even to some of my closest friends. I text them, I invite them out, I check in on them specially when I hear something bad happened (sick, lost job, car accident, just cause). I love people and love doing things with people and tend to over love people and so I go above and beyond for them. For instance, you have a baby, I will be the one to make you blanket even though I don't know you well and will coordinate meals for you even if you aren't in the same town as me anymore! I will throw you a last minute birthday party or bachelorette party just because we are friends and no one else stepped up OR because for whatever reason, didn't work out. I will make you dinner and bring it to you just because you had a long day and I wanted it make it better for you. I will bring you coffee just because you are a friend and I want you to smile. I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes but I will be there for you and step up when no one else will. Know what I get in return? No text messages just saying hi (as in they text me first not the other way around), no event invites unless I just happened to text at the right time, sour attitudes or no one showing up at my birthday parties, completely ignored. I am not pretty enough, I am not in the social media world enough (ie: snapchat, tiktok, instagram-stories, facebook-stories), I don't have good jokes or cool ideas, I don't have enough money, I am not cool enough, I am not enough. Do you know how much it hurts to always feel like you are 2nd best? Do you know how much it hurts to pour time and energy into being there for people only to realize they would never invest in you? Do you know how much it hurts to know they hang out together with each other all the time and never invite you out and the only reason they are hanging out again is because you kept inviting one of them to group gatherings all the time? Do you know how much it hurts to realize that most of your relationships have been like that and that no one (except my husband-he's amazing y'all and one friend who has been actively texting me even though we are miles apart) has ever felt you are worth it enough to text or hang with? 

It hurts. It hurts deep and it makes it so I have an inner battle going on inside of me. I want to confront the people hurting me. I want to tell them I am tired of feeling like a 2nd class citizen unworthy of their attention. I want to tell them I am hurt that they will never see me for who I am and truly love me for who I am. I want to tell them but I am terrified to tell them. If I tell them, I may lose my friendship with them. If I tell them, I will have no one to hang with, 2nd class or not. If I tell them, I will look like the person who is whining and being selfish because 'I didn't get invited or get a text". If I tell them, I will truly lose everything and everything I have ever been told over the years will be true. That I am unworthy of their attention because I am not good enough. It's a huge struggle. One I am losing sleep over at night. One I am stressing about and constantly thinking about. I love the people around me. I let them in because I wanted to be their friend. But now, I am seeing that it was only one sided. That I was the only who messaged them. I was the one who invited them out. I was the one who came up with ideas of things we can do. I was the one who wanted this friendship to last and to have lots of fun things to do together. I am the one who poured time and energy into the friendship. I am the one who went above and beyond because I wanted them to be in my life that much. I am the one who tried and now I see it didn't matter. I was never going to the one for them. I'm kinda at a crossroads. I don't know what to do or how to proceed from here. What I do know is that I want someone who WANTS to be my friend. Who WANTS to text me. Who WANTS to hang out with me. Who WANTS me for me and puts just as much time and energy in our friendship as I do. I just want to feel like I am enough.

Unequally Yoked

 In the bible, one of the verses quoted the most to people who want to date an unchristian person is in 2 Cor 6:14 "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?". I grew up in the church and this was ingrained in me. It's not ok to date someone, let alone marry them, if they are not Christian. And preferably, it's best if they are in the same denomination as you but not horrible if they aren't. When I set out at a young age to find my husband, I stuck to everything I was taught. He had to be a virgin, he had to be Christian, preferably of the same beliefs as me. That's when I met my ex. He fit all the criteria and we got along and seemed to do well with each other. Had I know then what I know now, I am not sure I would have jumped so quickly to him. But, sadly, we can not predict the future. My ex, lets call him James, had a good stable job. He was finishing up his bachelors degree and then we were planning to move to another city so he could finish up his masters degree. We lived there for 2 years and then moved back to where we started and then moved again when he finally got a good full time job. We settle in a smaller town, bought a house and had 2 kids there. We lived there for 6 years and then moved to a much bigger city where he had a better job and also had our 3rd kid there. We lived there for 3 years when my ex cheated on me with our married neighbor. I lived there another 2 1/2 years before moving back to where I originally started and still currently live. 

Now let me back up a bit. They tell you to marry a Christian. They tell you how you should act and essentially what it will look like on the outside. I thought I was prepared for the good, the bad, and the ugly! But I was so wrong. What they did not tell you is that sex hurts and you may not like it. They did not tell you that you will have good and bad times and sometimes the bad happens more than the good. They did not tell you that when one or both are unhappy in the marriage, that counseling is not a bad thing and should be looked at as a good thing to allow you both to grow and mend whatever is wrong with your relationship. And they did not tell you that your ex would blame you for all the wrong in your marriage and that it the reason he cheated on you. I was not prepared for the marriage I had and I tried to fix it to no avail. After our 12th anniversary, my husband started cheating on me with the neighbor because she provided him something I could not. We had both grown cold towards each other over the years and I think we were overwhelmed with what was happening in our marriage to know where to start. Needless to say, we ended up divorcing. I'd like to say we were on good terms but that was definitely NOT the case. But that is a story for another day! Point is, we were not prepared. I was not prepared! 

When I got divorced, I pretty much decided I was done. I never wanted a man again. I had been burned and badly. A mutual friend of mine, we will call him Brady, was talking to me still and never really stayed in contact with my ex. They use to work together and then Brady moved away for another job and so we stayed in contact on facebook but that was about it. After the divorce though, he reminded me that this is what god wanted for me and that I need to work on myself first before finding someone else to be with again. And my counselor agreed with him for the most part. So I did that. I took some time to heal and remind myself who I was as a person. Once I was ready, I started to branch out and 'see' what was out there. I have to say that one of the best pieces of advice Brady could give me was to stop putting guys in my little box that I had. Every one does it. It's the I only like this type of person and won't look at anyone else' box. Mine was that he had to be tall, dark hair, blue eyes, handsome and Christian, roughly my age. No facial hair. Ever. EVER. However I wanted to be open to the possibilities of everyone and so I promised my friend I would look out side my box. That's when Brady pointed out (months later) that he had a friend who was single and needed a date for Brady's wedding and since we were both single, we should go together.  He said the friend had seen a pic of me and knew a little about the ex troubles and that I had kids and was willing to go with me. And well, he also had a beard. But Brady told me I didn't have to date him or anything, just talk to him and be his date for Brady's wedding. So I did. And boy am I glad I did. He is now my current husband and he breaks my box completely! 

So, let's call him Elliott, and I started messaging on facebook. We decided we should probably meet in person as well since you know, we are going to be going to a wedding together. He lived back where I started and since I still had family there, I was able to meet him in person. We hit it off well! We became fast friends and we were messaging daily when we could. He was tall, 6ft 3in. Darker hair, gorgeous eyes and smile and a beard. I actually like the beard and he is not allowed to shave it :P But he was also, not a Christian and 10 years younger than me. I did not introduce him to my kids for several months. I wanted to feel it out with him first and kinda see where he was at. He didn't want his own kids which worked for me since my tubes were tied but due to his age, I did say that I would be willing to look into options if he ever decided he wanted kids. He was ok that I had 3 kids and even after meeting them and enjoying time with them, it took him a bit to warm up to the idea of them. Being with me meant being with all of me, 3 kids included! The next couple of years really tested us not just because of the kids but because of the crazy ex who was mean and hateful and enjoyed being an ass to me. Add to that, we lived 3.5 hours apart so we only saw each other every 2 weeks. Sometimes more and sometimes less, but roughly every 2 weeks. the kids and I finally moved back to where are now in Jan 2019 and while things are not perfect, they got 100 times better and the drama with the calmed down significantly. In April of 2020 (in a 'pandemic' y'all!), Elliott and I went to the justice of the peace and we got married. We are by no means perfect at all but we are great together and this marriage is already a 1000 times better than my last one. The amount of communication we have is amazing. Things are going really well for us. We just bought our house, bought a van last summer, was able to do some traveling and have many many plans for our near future that we can't wait to get started on! 

Now, let's go back to the beginning with the verse about being unequally yoked. They say that when 2 people of different beliefs get together that the 'bad' belief will snuff out the 'good' belief and there for the Christian no longer becomes the Christian. That is not true in our relationship. Elliott is not a Christian. He went to church as a kid and after dealing with some personal things in the church, he was not a fan of organized religion. This was a topic between us as I want my kids raised in the church (to a point) and I wanted to go to church still as well, when I was ready. We talked a lot and even had some heated discussions. I was already having my own personal issues with the church and with the people of the church that I wasn't in a hurry to get back into a church yet, (that's a story for another blog!). While Elliott knew this, he also knew I was a social person and was not getting what I needed from him and that I needed to go back to church. So I promised him and the kids we would go back in Jan 2020 (and then a pandemic happened and well, we haven't been back). Even though Elliott doesn't agree with church, he supported me and encouraged me. Even set up my piano for me to play! he isn't 'bringing me to the dark side'. He is respecting that I need and want to be in church and supporting and encouraging me to do so. He doesn't mock me or tell me to stop praying for my kids every night. He doesn't do anything but encourage me in my beliefs. Sadly, he has been better than my 'Christian' husband ever was! And Elliott is perfectly ok with me getting involved (when I can again). I will eventually join the worship team and get involved in small groups, eventually. My ex hated that I was involved and said I was using it as an escape which was not the case at all. But, that's in the past. I am not saying ignore the bible and do your own thing. I am not saying all Christian men are bad and all non Christian men are good and I am not saying the opposite either. I am saying that I personally took a chance on someone who was not in my 'box' of who I thought I wanted and it was the best decision I ever did. I am happier now than I have been in a long time and I am excited to do life with him. Will he join me for church? Maybe on special occasions but probably not. Does it bother me he isn't there? Not really. Church is just a building. God can meet you anywhere. Will he turn back to God? Not a clue. That's between him and God. I will continue to be the loving supportive wife who is always by his side regardless of what belief he chooses to have. I love my husband very much and know he loves me and will support me even if he doesn't agree with my beliefs and that is all I could ever ask for and is more than I got in my last marriage. This wasn't what I had planned for my life but than again, I wasn't planning on getting divorced or remarried and it was the best thing that happened to me.

Moral of this story? Don't dismiss someone, whether dating or friendship, because they don't 'fit' in your box. Stop judging them on the outside. You could be missing out on someone who would be an instrumental part of your life. 

Goodbye 2020, Hello 2021!

So 2019 was a rough year. We moved to Tricities that year and I worked a really crappy job only to get a new job and it be crappy as well. My ex drama just got worse all because I moved and my ex was pissed. The drama with my sister hit an all time high and actually ended up being the end of us talking for reasons we won't talk about (message me if you really want to know). Finances were a HUGE struggle because while I was working, I was barely making ends meet which lead me to being stupid with my credit card and end up getting scammed. The constant worrying about money has been at the top of the list of the last 2.5 years thanks to partly my ex, partly the crappy job, and the fact I was literally starting life over with debt. The constant drama from my ex was a companion almost because of how often it was happening, the things he was saying to me and to my kids, and constant throwing of his relationship with the woman he cheated on me with to my kids and myself. That was loads of fun. The drama with my sister has always been there. She kinda has an all about me attitude however, it did make us end our relationship. When she started telling me how to take care of my kids in regards to my ex and then started making inappropriate accusations about my then boyfriend (whom I am married to now), well that was just the icing on the cake. That ended our already strained sister relationship and caused HUGE amounts of drama that pretty much lasted into part of 2020. It was probably the MOST trying year ever and one I hoped to NEVER live again. I claimed 2020 to be our year. Our year to have no more drama. Our year to be credit card debt free. Our year to finally breathe. We did not expect what 2020 held for us at all!

2020 started off normal. No real big changes or anything. We were hearing things about some sickness in China but it was in China so I didn't pay close attention to it. Didn't effect us. Or so I thought. Then Feb we got our first case in Seattle and it spread like wildfire! We have had so many lock downs and mask mandates, so many people telling you how you should and should not live. Weddings were canceled, funerals were virtual, staying going no where was the new normal. Even my kids were pulled out of school and now doing online school which is not what we ever wanted for my kids. However, the craziness that covid cause did not stop the things we wanted to accomplish and actually helped. We were given stimulus money 'to help us through tough times of covid' (do not get me started on it) twice. Plus we got our taxes. Between all of that, we were able to completely pay off ALL of my credit card debt and I ended 2020 with only my school loan debt (plus 2 others-we'll talk about those in a bit). I got a raise which allowed us to be more on top of our bills and actually have money to spend although we tried not to spend too much. We were able to travel 3 times this year too. Jason and I took an us weekend in Vancouver after dropping the kids off at their dad's for spring break (right at the beginning of shut downs). Then in July, we took the kids to Silverwood for the firs time ever for our first family trip ever! And in August, we spend a week in CA at my mother in law's house meeting some of Jason's family which was fun. We also had some big changes in our family. In April, in the middle of a pandemic, Jason and I decided this was a great time to get married! And we did! We got the papers, called the courthouse and got the date, and then we did it. We celebrated with Jason's dad and step mom, my 3 kids, and my mom. We then held a reception for those who were comfortable celebrating with us in September. We then bought a van cause you know, a van with 3 kids (one who is annoyingly tall) and a dog, it's was basically the next step! and then In Nov we started the process to buy our house which closed on the last day of 2020. Fitting end to our 2020! And the drama from my ex? Wow, HUGE change we were not expecting. I was no longer blocked on text messages, I actually hear from both my ex and his gf (still the same person) and they are NICE to me! We actually have conversations now even when he drops off the kids! He talks to me AND to Jason! This is HUGE y'all. Huge! And my sister drama? Well, we are still no talking and no offense, probably never will. She really burned that bridge BUT she is no longer causing problems or talking bad about us and is no longer being mean to my niece and mom! So while the world was in uproar around us, we had a really great year. Everything I wanted, even though it didn't happen how I expected, happened. The drama is basically gone, my debt is gone and we are doing better financially (this year will be tougher cause, you know, we bought a house!) AND I have this amazing husband who is going to school full time, working part time, and makes sure my kids get to school/zoom on time and their home work gets done while I am at work. The only thing I really want for 2021 is a better job where I am actually appreciated at work and valued as an employee, my kids to be back in school in person, to go back to living life normally, and for us to finally move forward in other areas of our life. 2021 will hopefully be a year fully of good changes, no drama, and even better finances!