TV Love is NOT Real!

While at work, I have the luxury of watching tv in my office. It's just me in my little office and I usually watch things I have seen so as not to miss the important stuff on the things I haven't seen! So lately I have been watching One Tree Hill. For those that don't watch it or know nothing about it, it's basically a show about teens and their drama in high school. Of course they manage to fix things for the most part, in the hour long show. You have your cheating scandals, your betraying best friend scandals, parental scandals, to divorce or not to divorce scandals. You name, it probably has it. It's not a bad show. It's entertainment for me. Anyways, I've noticed a trend for TV love stories. They are all the same. And, in my limited experience, not a real representation of what love it. Which is sad as I know many look to the tv lie for what they want out of love. I know I am guilty of it, even now I reflect on it and wonder what it would be like to be 'loved' that way. 

Love on tv is very romanticized. They always have these amazing dates and they will end with rose petals every where and candles lit along the walkway. They have these super passionate kisses and the intense romantic love making that every teen/young adult lady dreams will happen to them. They get married young, some save themselves for marriage and others marry the one they lost their virginity to. They might have some struggles but nothing that they can't over come. Very rarely do they end in divorce and if they do, they remain friends. Nothing is ever too difficult for them to fix and they are always helping each other out. I don't know, maybe for some, they really do get this type of love but it's not what true love is. I don't even think it reflects the honeymoon phase. Sure, you are probably more lovey dovey and you're less likely to fight and more likely to have more sex but I don't like it's as romantic or intense as the tv makes it seem to be. They don't always how the work that goes with being in love with someone. The fact you have to sometimes choose daily to love the person you are with even when you were just fighting. Loving someone is hard work. 

Did you know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Did you know that 41% of first marriages end in divorce? And while I know of like 1 couple that remained friends even after divorce, most couples not only do not remain friends but barely remain on speaking terms! If they are on speaking terms, more then likely they have kids they have to co-parent! I will have been divorced 5 years this Nov. I am just not starting to get on speaking terms with my ex. He is no longer causing drama or saying mean and hateful things. He is actually listening to me and mostly responding in a good way. He is also finally starting to spend more time with his kids which is huge! But we will never reach a point where we will be 'friends' who go to dinner and hang out with our significant others. And our marriage sucked. Don't worry, he'd agree. I think we got married because we didn't want to end up alone. We thought we were mostly like minded, attractive, and christian. Good enough for us. We were marriage 12 years. 12 long years. 12 years of being completely unhappy and miserable. Turns out, we also weren't sexually attracted to each other either! It didn't end well either but that's a story for another time! The point is, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and we spent most of our marriage fighting. Not fighting for each other or fighting for our love. We were fighting with each other about everything. And sadly, that's what our kids remember about us. Sure we had some fun times but those were not the things we remembered sadly. Honestly, the divorce was best for us both and I have never been happier than I am now. Can't say the same for him. Which brings me to my current marriage.

I love my husband more than anything. We dated for almost 3 years before we got married and have now been married just over a year. Things aren't perfect by any means. We fight like normal couples and then we are rough housing an hour later like nothing happened. We communicate, we love, we laugh, we fight, we have fun. We actually have family wrestling matches and have a blast together! This is what a normal good marriage is like. You have your ups and downs but we have way more ups then we do downs. We travel together, we dream together, we make plans together. We talk about everything even when we are on complete opposite sides of line. We are really good together. I have never felt more loved and respected as a wife and mother then I have with my current husband. And while he doesn't say the words 'I love you' all the time, his actions show it daily. No we don't have passionate love making every single time. No we don't have passionate kisses every single time. That isn't reality. What we have is 2 people who will always fight for their love. We choose each other daily and that is how it should always be!

Always Fight For Your Kids!

 As a mother of 3 children, I learned early on that sometimes, you have to step in as the parent and fight for your kids. It doesn't matter what it is either, for the most part, sitting back and doing nothing is not an option. I'm not talking about going overboard. For instance, if your kid didn't get the part in the school play because the other person was just a smidge better or looked like they wanted, try again for the next one. But if your kid didn't get it because the teacher doesn't like them? Yeah, that's a fight. I have always been and will always be that kind of parent. My kids have learned from an early age that sometimes we don't get the things we want and that is ok. And that sometimes, we have been wronged and we need to fight against it. For instance, when my older 2 were on the bus, a little boy who was 'friends' with my son would start punching him. But only on the bus. At school, he didn't touch my son and just acted normal with him. But on the bus he would start punching him. The principle did everything he could think of to stop this kid and was in constant communication with me but it finally resulted me going to the school and talking to them about it and figuring out how to proceed from there. The school stepped in and eventually, the boy wasn't on the bus anymore. I wasn't a 'the bus driver will handle it' kind of person. I couldn't stand seeing my child hurt anymore and I knew the bus driver was trying but it just wasn't enough. And the sad part is that it was only on the way home from school and literally 4 mins from the school. Regardless, I was done and did everything I could to make it stop. I don't care who the person is either. A teacher, a store employee, my kids best friend. You do something wrong, I will make sure you don't do it again or remove my kid from the situation completely. Whatever is best. I know many who are not like this (my sibling is one) and it pains me to see parents not fight for their children. If you kid is behind in school, find a way to get them caught up. Your kid doesn't understand? Find a way to help them. Your kid needs a little extra TLC? Give it to them! You are the parent and you are their voice till they are old enough to have their own voice. You have to teach them to stand up for themselves. If you don't, then you better hope someone does so they aren't walked all over their entire life. 

I have 3 kids about 2 years apart. All of them are healthy kids with their own personalities. My son however, was the wild one. The crazy child with a lot of energy. It was fun watching him be so silly and I have many stories, videos, and pictures of his craziness. From the moment he could move, this boy never stopped! When he was 2, he was out of control. It was reaching a point that no amount of punishments were working, nothing I was doing was working, and I was not enjoying my son at all. I hated every minute of and was at a loss of what to do. I was talking about it to a friend and they mentioned taking red dye out of his diet (my mom mentioned this too but I think I honestly forgot about it). Anyways, we did that and it was like night and day how much different my son was. My best example? We went to go see my aunt and grandma with my mom and other 2 kids (my then husband now ex was working) and we went to a popular tourist spot to have lunch. My son was all over the place. He wouldn't sit still. He was climbing out of his chair, he was loud, he was constantly moving and he just wouldn't stop climbing on the rails. After we removed red dye from him, a week or so later, we went back to see my aunt and grandma and my son was calm. He sat in his chair and ate his food. He wasn't running around and climbing the rails. He was enjoyable. I actually was enjoying my son again. It was a amazing! We kept him off red dye (even to this day and he is 9!) and for the most part, he was doing really well. When he was in first grade, his teachers started to notice that he had a hard time settling down when it was time, or not wiggle in line, or be able to pay attention as well. He wasn't on red dye anymore so we decided it was probably time to get him checked for ADD (now called ADHD). His dr got a referral and off to the specialist we went! After lost of testing and lots of talking and going through my kid's past, we got the official diagnosis of ADHD and the steps we need to help him with that as well as get the school on board. We tried meds but honestly, all he did was complain his tummy hurt and I couldn't do that to him anymore. So we moved to CBD oil for him and it worked beautifully! However, my son still kind of did things that we would have to break some how. For instance, he got a cold once and did a nose snort. And then even after the cold was gone, the nose snort was still around and was for months! The only reason he doesn't have the nose snort now is because he had his tonsils and adenoids removed! Then in Nov 2019, his lips got chapped from walking to school in the mornings and afternoons. We gave him chapstick and that wasn't helping so we told him to cover his lips in aquaphor before going outside and sent a little jar with him for it. His lips were red and chapped but not horrible. Than he went to his dad's house and they did nothing but keep putting chapstick on it and when I got him back, he had a huge scab below his lower lip. I ended up taking him to the dr for a swollen lymph node and the dr said the node was fine but that he had a staph infection on his lips. I was shocked! I was upset his face was worse and planned to take care of it but didn't even think a staph infection was possible. At that point, I was pissed that his father didn't pay more attention to it! We got it taken care of but not the damage was done and my son had a new 'tick'. He couldn't stop licking his lips and has been doing it ever since. It's been a year and 5 months and nothing has worked for this poor kid. After getting established with a new dr here, he sent us to a therapist hoping that maybe behavioral therapy would help stop him from licking. So we got an appointment for it and had to wait 4 months. 

Now before I continue on, I'd like to go back just a bit. When we lived in VP area, a friend who went to our church had an autistic son as well as my ex SIL. My son was nothing like either of theirs but still had some things about him that would put him on the spectrum. I had talked to the friend with the autistic son and told her my concerns for my own son. Her son you could tell right away something was off with him. And he had the telltale sign of no eye contact so you knew he had it. My son wasn't like that. He could still make eye contact and my friend told me that my son was fine, he wasn't autistic and I had nothing to worry about. So I never pursued it then because my 'friend' knew what she was talking about. However, years later, it has always been on the back of my mind because of the little odd things my son did. The fact he was super routine, the fact he would freak if the routine was messed up, his little ticks, the way he would talk. I always thought he was on the spectrum but never pursued it. Till we started therapy for him. In the first visit, the counselor met with me only (dad chose to not come) and we talked about my son and his health and what makes him the person he is today. Even the counselor asked if it was possible that maybe he was autistic and I said definitely but that we never pursued it and explained why. He understood and we continued on. Over the course of the next few visits, he got to know my son and also did some sensory testing on him. After the testing was done, we got the official diagnosis that my son was autistic. 

Understand, I am not saddened about this. I am not upset in any way about this except I wish I had pursued it sooner. I have no problem with this at all. Having an autistic son doesn't mean anything except that it explains my son that much more. It will allow us to put in to place something that allows him to be successful, it will allow us to get the school on board, and it will allow us to understand him even better. There is nothing wrong with my son. In fact, the opposite. He is a bright kid with a particular way of doing this and this explains it. That's it. He's a little more sensitive than most kids and he thinks a little differently. He also doesn't fully understand social cues and when it's ok to say something and not. But knowing he has autism, doesn't matter if it's super noticeable or not, is HUGE for us and will hopefully help him in the near future, in school and in life. I'm excited to finally have the diagnosis so we can move forward on this and hopefully, make things just a little easier for him. I am glad I listened to my gut and pursued it still. Later than I wanted to but I did it. Sometimes as a parent, regardless of who you know who might know more info on the subject, always go with your gut and always fight for your child! 

Church and how it let me down.

I believe Church is very important and can have a huge impact on your life whether negative or positive. Don't worry, I'll explain but let me give you some of my background.

I'm a christian and have been all my life. I grew up in a family that was very active in the church with choir and playing instruments. We moved around as my dad was in the air force but regardless of where we were, my parents were involved. When we finally moved and settled down in PKR, I finally got involved in church as did my sibling.  We did choir when younger but I did choir, youth group, worship team (sorta) and drama. Eventually when I was an adult, I became a leader and continued with choir and drama.

The first church I got involved in was when we moved to PKR. My sibling and I could walk to it from our house and would cut through all the fields constantly to get there. We always had friends over after church or youth, specially in the summer and just had a blast. We went on choir tour and winter camps and summer camps and conferences. We had close friends and lots memories were made. I did an internship with one of the youth pastors and joined the adult drama team! I also join small groups and was sorta a leader in one. This was the first time I truly understand what a church family was. These were my people. They were my family. When they hurt, I hurt. When they celebrated, I celebrated. Then some things happened and I lost ALL my friends and I realized my time was done and I moved on to my mother's church. That was a Methodist church and while I do not have problem with the Methodist church, it's not really my cup of tea! But I went, I was involved, when I got married, he got involved. We then moved to CP and found a church there that we got really involved in. My then husband would help with the sound and I was on worship team, playing and singing. And we also were involved in small groups. The church was small but we loved it. It was a close knit group and they loved our kids and loved on us. We had some good long lasting friendships from there. Or so I thought. That's when I think my eyes started to become 'open' to the 'ways' of the church and I think a reason why so many people do not like church or organized religion. Don't worry, I will explain. I promise. After CP, we moved to V/P area and got involved in a church there. Small group leaders, small groups, worship team, kids team, sound team, all church events we could attend, we did. When my ex left, I continued on this. I grew up in the church while my parents served in many areas of the church. I wanted the same for my kids and that was happening here! My kids got to hang with friends, help set up in kids church, hang around and eat donuts all while I served on the info team and the worship team. I had friends help out when my ex left because I was heavily involved and needed help at times and I was grateful for it. But when I started pulling back from serving as much and was kinda forced into quitting the worship team, the church (and all the friends I made) started pulling away from me and I didn't know why but this confirmed everything I was already starting to notice about the church and really left a bad taste in my mouth. In fact, my then boyfriend/now husband encouraged me to find a church when we moved back to PKR and it took me awhile to finally do that and honestly, I did it for my kids. I ended up choosing a church based on friends going there (who are no longer friends-nothing to do with the church though-they rarely go) and I knew the pastor from a previous church and several members in the congregation. However, it's WAY bigger than I want but stayed for the kids. And then covid hit and well, only my oldest gets church time (youth group) because she needs the interaction and I refuse to wear a mask in church. That's a whole other topic though! So, now, my kid goes to youth in the middle of the week and on Sunday's we spend time as a family hanging out doing something. So, now on to the eyes opened part.

When I was younger, I started noticing that the people who got to be on worship or have a solo or a big part in the plays were those who looked amazing (as in they were always well dressed, hair in place, makeup perfect), those that had lots of money (or the appearance of lots of money), and those who were 'amazing' at what they do (play the piano, be the lead actor or soloist, or play an instrument). I was definitely NOT in any of those categories at all. I was super skinny (maybe 100lbs soaking wet), I wore glasses (obvious nerd sign), and I wore baggy clothes that didn't not show off my figure at all. Super shy at times as well. I brushed it off and didn't think twice about it and then a girlfriend got mad and me and spread some lies about me which turned everyone against me (I was able to clear it up with a lot of people so some of them a still friends now, including my best friend). When we left the church in CP to move to V/P, we made sure to tell everyone during the process that needed to know. However, the pastor at the time didn't agree that God wanted us to move and tried to convince us to stay and told us that God wanted us in town to stay and be a part of the big things coming to the church. However, when I saw the job posting online to the time my ex actually got the job was like 2 months time total. It was fast and in my personal experience, when things happen that fast, you do it. You don't 'stay put' cause the pastor said God said to. Specially when everything thing around you is saying otherwise (my ex got the job, a raise, and we found a house basically right away!) Doors opened and we responded by going through them. 

When we got involved in the church in V/P, we had a change in worship leaders which ended up being a good thing and that allowed me to be stretched even more. For instance, I was actually expanding my piano playing and being stretched and I loved it! I was even taking lessons from the worship leader's wife! When my ex left, I had to pull back on some of the things I was involved in but I still did worship team, still volunteered when needed for the info table, tried small groups as well. My ex had cheated on me and my church surrounded me. They helped me with my kids, they helped me with my counseling. The worship leader's wife was trying to meet with me personally as well but that didn't happen much and then stopped all together.  I believe they paid for counseling for a year (which I was super grateful for and was able to continue going till I no longer needed it-I paid myself then). 6 months after my ex left, I started school full time and stayed active in the church. I didn't play every week and my course load wasn't super heavy at the time. I then met my current husband and we started seeing each other so when my kids when to their dad's house (this was a year after he left), I started going to PKR to see my hubby and friends. My course load got heavier and I had to stop volunteering and drop small groups. I hated doing it but I was getting overwhelmed with school and I can't exactly get rid of classes so church stuff had to go but I held on to worship team for as long as I could. However, the worship leader made a new rule that we had to invest in our own instruments (I didn't have my own, I was using the church keyboard they decided they wanted to sell and then used a friends keyboard they gave to me till it broke) and because I couldn't invest financially into my own keyboard, I ended up quitting the worship team. I hated doing it and really wanted them to pour in to me the 2 years I was there and I never really got that. I practiced hard, I changed up how I did things. I wanted to learn from them. I wanted to be a worship leader (still do). I wanted to play piano better and I wanted them to be the ones to teach me but once again, I wasn't 'good enough' and ultimately had to give it up. 

Towards the beginning of 2018, I had lunch with who I thought was a great friend. I've had lunch with this person many times and never had an issue before but this time, I let my friend know that I felt that God was pulling me back to PKR and that at the end of the year, when I was done with school, I would be moving back. She didn't like it and told me that a year is a long time and that God could change my mind and keep me in V/P but that I had to be open to it. Um, hello, my entire adult life has been God driven. I did not move to V/P because I like the area. Far from it! It rains all the time! I want sunshine y'all! I kind of felt her telling me to be 'open' was a slap in the face and that she wasn't really hearing me or wanting to hear me. I just felt really weird after that conversation and with all the worship stuff happening, I started to pull away from the church and ultimately quit going. I was going to the old worship leader's new church for a bit till we moved to PKR and ultimately found a church to go to but for the kids. Not me. I don't want a big church.

In my years of living, I went to 11 churches and discovered the same thing that is common through most churches. You have to be the best looking, best playing, best voice, or have lots of money and then you can get anywhere in the church. Having a willing spirit, a hunger to learn, and a passion for it is not good enough. They won't get you the things you want most. I wanted someone to teach me to be a worship leader. That is all I have ever wanted and some said they would love to and never followed through and others didn't even entertain the idea. Church isn't just a building people meet in to 'have' church. Church is literally the people. You can have 'church' anywhere. Outside at the park, on a boat in the river, in your house. We were made to be relational and that's why a lot of people love socializing at church. It's why I did! It was my time to catch up with friends I don't see during the week! It's probably why I took it so hard after my last church I got involved in kind of dumped me so to speak. I loved them likely family and they were there for me when I needed them. But when I no longer needed them, I was chopped liver and they moved on to the next person who needed them. I've been gone from that church since about Oct 2018 and none of my 'close' friends have checked in on my and the one person who use to, left the church before I did (and she ultimately quit texting me too probably cause apparently we think very differently!). The amount of people I have lost in my life but at church and not is sad and it's got me down. A lot. I often wonder what I did wrong, if I even did anything wrong and will I ever feel like someone (besides my amazing husband) out there WANTS to teach me or WANTS to hang with me or WANTS to be in my life? Church isn't important because it's a building you go in and sit and learn about God. It's important because of the people you are in relationship with sitting beside you as you learn about God and grow in the relationships around you. That is the part I miss the most. The people. I need me some more good people. 

Some Days Are Hard

Found this quote today and it's everything I have ever wanted in the people around me. I finally have a partner who actually does this and it's amazing how different our marriage is and how much better and healthier it is. However, with friends, I have yet to find this and I hate it. I am the type of person that if I really like you as a person and want to be your friend, I put a crap ton of effort into the relationship. I do for some that I am not that close to as well but found that to be exhausting and since they didn't really put the effort in either, I just kind of let those become surface relationships. However, I have some people I have poured countless energy into and continued to for awhile until I realized that no matter what I do or how much energy I pour into people, I will not get the same thing in return. That realization hurt more than anything. It goes back to my blog post of am I enough. The people I poured into purposely were people I felt I wanted in my life. I wanted to be their friend. I wanted to know them. They were worth the time and effort I was putting into them. Even the people I have known a long time who are still a part of my life, I poured lots into and, while we got along great and talked regularly, didn't get it reciprocated. All I have ever wanted was someone to text me first, message me first, talk to me first, ask me to hang first. Not always. That's the point of relationships. You both put into the relationship. You both do the texting and inviting and hanging out. It shouldn't be one sided and most of mine have been. 

This has been on my mind a lot lately, especially since losing some very close friends, 3 of whom I really miss and really poured into! Regardless, all relationships should be 2 sided. Ok, well almost all. Kids till a certain point would be harder to be 2 sided! But you get the general point. People want to know they are valued for who they are. That people want to get to know them and want to be their friend. It doesn't matter who they are or how much confidence they have or whether or not they would admit it, everyone wants to know they matter and not just to their significant others or family but to their friends as well. Seriously, let those people around you know they matter to you. Invite them first for a change. Text them first. Send them a random 'glad we're friends' card in the mail or pop in just to check in on them. Something to let them know they really do matter to you. Trust me, they will truly appreciate it!

You Can't Say That!

Today is March 10, 2021. The president is Biden, covid is still around, and liberalism is at an all time high. Normally I wouldn't care. I would continue living my life how I feel is best and let others worry about themselves. I mean, that's how it should be! However, that is no longer a reality! With covid, things were drastically changed because we could no longer shop (except groceries), go out to eat, or hang with friends (well, we weren't suppose to but we didn't listen to that one). If we went grocery shopping, we had to wear a mask and stay away from everyone. I had no problem with staying away from people because well, people suck. But wearing a mask? Yeah I had issues. Things are finally opening up more but nothing looks the same anymore which saddens me and breaks my heart. At the end of 2020, we voted for a new president who is definitely more on the liberal side. We are probably doomed but wasn't gonna stop me from continuing to live my life how I want. And then the cancel culture came out in swarms telling me what I can and can not do, say, watch, wear, feel, you name it, they had a reason it couldn't happen. For instance, Gina Carano who played a character in Disney's Mandalorian, posted an insensitive tweet that supposedly likened Hitler to things going on now that got people all upset (probably because it was true but we don't talk about that) and was fired for it but the head honcho of Disney posted a tweet that #MAGAkids should be sent to the wood chipper. That wasn't offensive at all. Totally ok. And there is the song Baby It's Cold Outside which is a horrible rape song and how dare we encourage the song to be played! Who cares that it was back in the 40's and things were different then, it's a horrible song. Change the lyrics or get rid of it. But we can listen to Cardi B's WAP with 0 complaints. It's totally appropriate too! Here's some lyrics for ya. 

"Beat it up, nigga, catch a charge. Extra large and extra hard. Put this pussy right in your face. Swipe your nose like a credit card. Hop on top, I wanna ride. I do a kegel while it's inside. Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes. This pussy is wet, come take a dive. Tie me up like I'm surprised. Let's role play, I'll wear a disguise. I want you to park that big Mack truck. Right in this little garage. Make it cream, make me scream. Out in public, make a scene. I don't cook, I don't clean. But let me tell you how I got this ring."

Totally appropriate. So much better than a man wanting a woman to say because the snow is bad on the ground......seriously?!  This is what we want our children to listen to?! This is the 'role model' we want for our kids?! Our GIRLS?! Oh, right sorry. We aren't allowed to call them that either.....Pelosi actually tried to get gendered names thrown out (then used them all like a week later cause it doesn't apply to her). As in it's not mom, dad, brother, sister, grandpa, grandma and so on. It's grandparent, parent, sibling, child. I don't have 2 daughters and one 1, I have 3 children. If I say I have 2 daughters and 1 son (cause you know, that's what they are), I am offending someone, leaving someone out, hurting someones feelings. My life is apparently not my life. I supposedly can't decide what is best for my family. Instead, the world has decided they are better at know what is best for my family then me and now has things we have to follow so we don't hurt or offend anyone. However, the world hasn't learned the biggest thing that will stop them in their tracks. I am the one who makes the decisions and no one else.

You haven't met me but you have probably met people like me. We are considered the 'conspiracy theorist' who will not change because someone might be offended. We just celebrated International Women's day. A day that celebrates women and how far we have come only we aren't moving forward anymore. We are moving backwards. Because transgender is a thing now, we have to bow down to their needs. Their wants. Their desires. Whether we agree or not. And there is no way to claim anything you want without offending them. I mean, you can't claim you are a mom cause that will offend them since they are transgendered. They went so far as to say that breastfeeding (the word) is no longer allowed since it will offend those who have decided they are now a man and can still feed their child. So we now must call is chest feeding......Do people not understand that not only do men have BREASTs but they can also get BREAST cancer. Why would we change it?! And why do I, who is FEMALE and have BREASTS change anything about who I am and what I do?! Because someone else is offended?? I am not telling them to live THEIR life MY way, but they are telling me to live MY life THEIR way cause if I don't, it offensive and now I am a horrible person....WHAT?! How about being told I can't claim mom, wife, daughter, sister is offensive to me?! Do MY feelings now count?! Seriously?! Sorry but no. You want me to respect that you have changed 'sides' and call you they or man or it or whatever it is now we are "suppose" to say, then you have to show the SAME respect to me. You can be whatever you want. So can I. And I will shout it to the rooftop! I will say it loud AND proud! And I will NOT be silenced because YOU might be offended by MY gender.....get over it. Move on. I don't cater to you. This is MY life, MY family, MY CHOICE. Respect it or don't, I really don't care but stop expecting me to change because you have decided I have to. I will refer to you as you would like, but you will do the same for me. Period. End of story. That's how it works. 

I am a female. I have boobs and a vagina. I am proud of who I am and I will NOT be silenced. I am a WIFE, MOTHER, SISTER, DAUGHTER, GRANDDAUGHTER, AUNT, SISTER IN LAW, DAUGHTER IN LAW, who BREASTfed all my children. I have accomplished a lot in my life as a single mother and that has helped shape who I am today. You will not rob me of my identity ever. I AM WOMAN and I CAN say what I want!

Well That Escalated....

 My last blog I mentioned not feeling good enough. Well, now I am learning how to move forward in spite of that being 'proved' to me. Recently I had a really close good group of friends. At least they were in my eyes. We hung out all the time, gave each other gifts for Christmas, and spent a lot of weekends hanging out or helping each other. We considered them our people and we loved them. We've never had any spats or real issues that needed addressing. We've been friends for almost 3 years and had many milestones happen in that 3 years. A wedding, 4 (3 couples and 1 person) houses bought, many fun parties and gatherings! There were 6 of us that were really close but the last year and a half we had another couple that joined and was becoming a part of our inner circle. And on Tuesday, February 23, 2021, that all ended with miscommunication that doesn't even make sense, wasn't true, and was never, ever brought to our attention. I cleared up the miscommunication sorta with one couple who is still facebook friends but our friendship has changed forever. We will no longer hang out in person ever again. The rest of them, things have ended completely and we have no clue why. We have no clue what happened. We have no clue if we did something wrong or we never had a chance to fix it. All we knew is that our friends stopped talking to us at the beginning of January. Misinformation was spread about us behind our backs. When asked what was going on, no one responded. When personal texts asking what was going on were also ignored, we knew something was up but no one would tell us a thing until the one person did who I cleared it up with. Even when hubby asked one of them personally what was going on, he was told to ask the group, which we did. We unfriended the 2 that cause all of this and hubby did unfriend and block all of them but I remained friends with the other 2 who eventually unfriended me after meeting with the entire group to discuss the issues of us. I'm sure they talked about other things as well but they most definitely talked about us. I sat down and wrote letters out explaining how it all looked from our side and how we are 100% clueless of what happened and why we were no longer friends but apparently none of them care enough to clue us in cause 2 weeks later and we haven't heard from any of them. Now, I do have other friends that I love dearly and we hang out with. But these people were the ones who we hung out with the most and were our family and now I feel a something is missing. I will eventually move forward. It's harder cause I do not have closure of what happened and if it could have been fixed and to be honest, I miss them all. Terribly. Yeah things weren't amazing and I always felt on the outside of the group but they were still my people and it hurts they are no longer there. I know, it sounds pathetic but it's the reality. I hate how things went down and even if we ever find out what happened, there is no coming back from this. For any of them. And that really hurts. 

I Am Never Enough

 Have you ever felt like you just weren't good enough? It doesn't have to be in relationships either. It can be at your workplace, in your church, school, anywhere! I've felt this way for many years in many aspects of my life! It started with my church actually and eventually moved into my relationships and workplace. Even as a youth who wanted to be involved in church, I still felt like I was never good enough. I really wanted to learn to lead worship, play piano well, be a leader, and essentially learn from someone. Someone who was willing to take the time to teach me and allow me to learn from their experiences. That never happened. Sure I was sometimes singing and playing piano on youth worship but I never got the lead parts. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, rich enough. At least that's how I felt. That eventually moved into choir and drama for the church as well as my leadership positions. It also didn't help that I was super shy for a big chunk too. I noticed that if you were outgoing, good looking, smart, rich, and were amazing at what you did (play, lead, sing) then you were essentially the cream of the crop! We want you and we want you now and we only want you, no one else. It hurt but I eventually realized that I would never be good enough and even though I was trying, it didn't matter. It wasn't till we were in Walla Walla that I was able to break out of my shell even more and was the lead pianist. Still didn't lead vocally but I was playing and I got to sing! Then when we moved to Vancouver and got involved in a church there, I was playing piano, sometimes lead but then got put on 2nd piano and was the one who played the fun sounds and little didlies in songs which was cool but I still wanted to learn to lead. I never lead worship. Never. I even asked to be taught because I wanted to learn so badly and that never happened. Then I got divorced and ended up going to school full time and had to pull away from some of the things I was doing in the church. Worship was the very last thing I pulled away from and that was only because I was forced to. That's another topic in and of itself! However, this church was cool in that they would do these fun songs that weren't necessarily Christian but went with the sermon series! I got to play on 2 of these songs, never sang any of them. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't popular enough. I wasn't enough. This reality hurt but I kept going as if it was nothing and kept trying even though I was constantly reminded by their actions and even their words sometimes that I was never enough and was never going to be enough. Ever. I improved in my skills and learned a lot but I was never given the opportunity to move beyond 2nd best. That was just my church life. That wasn't even my personal! Or my work!

In my current job, I do have those feelings somewhat but that is mostly because I am in a weird situation where it doesn't matter who the owner is, that is not who is in charge and as long as the 2 people in charge still work here, nothing will ever change and the owners will never back me up even though I am right. Oh and the people in charge? Yeah they aren't suppose to be but because no one will stand up to them (except me and I am paying for it!), nothing will change and so here we are.

As for my relationships, this is sadly a common theme and one I am reaching a point where I am not sure I can handle it anymore. I haven't ever felt like I was good enough even to some of my closest friends. I text them, I invite them out, I check in on them specially when I hear something bad happened (sick, lost job, car accident, just cause). I love people and love doing things with people and tend to over love people and so I go above and beyond for them. For instance, you have a baby, I will be the one to make you blanket even though I don't know you well and will coordinate meals for you even if you aren't in the same town as me anymore! I will throw you a last minute birthday party or bachelorette party just because we are friends and no one else stepped up OR because for whatever reason, didn't work out. I will make you dinner and bring it to you just because you had a long day and I wanted it make it better for you. I will bring you coffee just because you are a friend and I want you to smile. I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes but I will be there for you and step up when no one else will. Know what I get in return? No text messages just saying hi (as in they text me first not the other way around), no event invites unless I just happened to text at the right time, sour attitudes or no one showing up at my birthday parties, completely ignored. I am not pretty enough, I am not in the social media world enough (ie: snapchat, tiktok, instagram-stories, facebook-stories), I don't have good jokes or cool ideas, I don't have enough money, I am not cool enough, I am not enough. Do you know how much it hurts to always feel like you are 2nd best? Do you know how much it hurts to pour time and energy into being there for people only to realize they would never invest in you? Do you know how much it hurts to know they hang out together with each other all the time and never invite you out and the only reason they are hanging out again is because you kept inviting one of them to group gatherings all the time? Do you know how much it hurts to realize that most of your relationships have been like that and that no one (except my husband-he's amazing y'all and one friend who has been actively texting me even though we are miles apart) has ever felt you are worth it enough to text or hang with? 

It hurts. It hurts deep and it makes it so I have an inner battle going on inside of me. I want to confront the people hurting me. I want to tell them I am tired of feeling like a 2nd class citizen unworthy of their attention. I want to tell them I am hurt that they will never see me for who I am and truly love me for who I am. I want to tell them but I am terrified to tell them. If I tell them, I may lose my friendship with them. If I tell them, I will have no one to hang with, 2nd class or not. If I tell them, I will look like the person who is whining and being selfish because 'I didn't get invited or get a text". If I tell them, I will truly lose everything and everything I have ever been told over the years will be true. That I am unworthy of their attention because I am not good enough. It's a huge struggle. One I am losing sleep over at night. One I am stressing about and constantly thinking about. I love the people around me. I let them in because I wanted to be their friend. But now, I am seeing that it was only one sided. That I was the only who messaged them. I was the one who invited them out. I was the one who came up with ideas of things we can do. I was the one who wanted this friendship to last and to have lots of fun things to do together. I am the one who poured time and energy into the friendship. I am the one who went above and beyond because I wanted them to be in my life that much. I am the one who tried and now I see it didn't matter. I was never going to the one for them. I'm kinda at a crossroads. I don't know what to do or how to proceed from here. What I do know is that I want someone who WANTS to be my friend. Who WANTS to text me. Who WANTS to hang out with me. Who WANTS me for me and puts just as much time and energy in our friendship as I do. I just want to feel like I am enough.